Fans Anonymous
by Jebus Creiss
Summary: Fans are useless beings, safe from random, painful death only by the vagaries of plot armour - and more importantly as far as they're concerned, their dreams are doomed to failure by their methods. Herein, four young Academy students realise this a little earlier than otherwise. (Well, kinda - close enough, for eleven-year-olds...) Now onto epilogue/omakes!
1. Artistic Licence Strikes Back!

**Disclaimer:** This is not the Kishimoto you are looking for. You should look in Japan for him. Move along now…to the actual fic.  
(Also, do not ask about Lucas.)

**Rating:** **T**

**Warnings:** mild language, some spoilers, a few well-veilled sexual references, parodic overtones, blatant avoidance of Japanese suffixes.

**Canon:** early enough as makes no difference, far as I know. Could fit in either world.

**Pairings:** one-sided Sakura/Sasuke, onesided Hinata/Naruto. Whether these would develop any further is up for debate…or omake.

**Summary:** In which an 11-year-old Naruto discovers by chance the concept of 'girl friends' a little earlier and more blatantly than otherwise. Carries up as a whole to Team 7's formation.

* * *

**Fans Anonymous**

**Chapter 1: Artistic License Strikes Again!**

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

"…_and I really think we should just be friends…"_

These were the words that ultimately changed a young Naruto's life for the better upon hearing them. Specifically, his…shall we say, _turbulent_ relationship with his Academy classmate, Sakura Haruno.

Interestingly, however, Sakura wasn't the one to say these fateful words. In fact she wasn't anywhere in the vicinity.

In fact, the deathknell of romantic doom wasn't even directed at _him_.

—ox-oxo-xo—

In order to understand why these words had such an effect on Naruto, it must first be understood that for much of his life the newly-turned twelve-year-old had been forced to formulate his social skills by drawing upon a wide, eclectic array of sources both willing and unwitting.

The friendly proprietors of Ichiraku's Ramen had perhaps the largest influence on the young jinchuuriki's 'public' face – always smiling, and usually quite loud (not exactly the logical choice for ninja, but certainly fitting for the staff of a food stand). The constant succession of hostile villagers and their invective merely strengthened the 'loud' part (everyone's angry and either ignoring or yelling at you? Well, yell back at them!), adding a fairly impressive selection of curses to make a sailor blush and all three 'Densetsu no Sannin' scoff at the sheer physical impossibility of the profanities described. Throw in supercilious chuunin and the odd silent ANBU, the kindly Old Man Hokage and the sneering Academy instructors, and toss in the frequent portrait in exasperation from Sensei Iruka while you're at it.

Now cram all that in a metaphorical blender until it overflows, shove the lid down and crank that mother up to its maximum setting. Watch it explode out and splatter in chunky bits all over the bench, the walls, and everything else in the vicinity. And finally, take whatever's left in the jug and throw it at Naruto – and thank your lucky stars that he's a fictional character and therefore can't prank you in retaliation.

Got all that? _Now_ consider the unfortunate but highly entertaining fact that many of these people are Konoha ninja, and would therefore be declared clinically insane _en masse_ if the clinic wasn't _also_ run by Konoha ninja.

The upshot of all this? The appellation of 'Konoha's Most Surprising Ninja (to be)', applied further to Naruto's social skills: sure, he could surprise just about anyone sometimes, but that still wouldn't stop Orochimaru from driving Manda through half the gaps while the Kyuubi played Nine-Tails Twister with the rest of them (Kyuubi not being much for Dance Dance Revolution, having stomped the would-be inventors back during the October 10th Stompathon…praise Kyuubi).

Next, Naruto's actual personality must be taken into account. The relevant traits to keep in mind here could be phrased in such terms as 'prone to selective fixation' (jutsu, ramen, Sakura, awesome headwear, etc.), along with 'attention span of a hyperactive eleven-year-old' (self-explanatory)… as well as the (perhaps overly long-winded) 'curious like the quadripedal tailed beast with pointy ears, fur and whiskers that isn't actually a cat but can be mistaken for one because it's so damn curious'.

So when Naruto Uzumaki heard the life-changing truism in question, he was in fact hiding in a bush near a relatively secluded clearing, having come to spy on the pair of pubescent chuunin on the off-chance that (1) they might show off a cool jutsu that he could try to work out later, or that (2) they might show off some lovey-dovey behaviour that Sakura would probably expect him to know about when she inevitably became his girlfriend even if he _did_ find parts of the concept a little icky, with the ever-present each-way bet on (3) one or both of them doing something funny. But he was quickly disappointed and soon began losing interest when the couple began to exude a dreary miasma of melodrama and foreshadowed tragedy that reminded him of Sasuke's fangirls in 'Heartbroken Sigh of Saaasuke's Rejection' Mode.

So it was that he continued to listen with half an ear, torn between encroaching daydreams of awesome jutsus and/or impressing Sakura (that much at least, he had _no_ problems with!) and toying with the idea of just pranking the uncooperative pair on his way out. And so it was that all three lines of inquiry tangled each other up and fell over as the 'unpredictable' part of him decided to drop in and pay up its tab.

"…and I really think we should just be friends…"

Incidentally, the male chuunin rejected that purported offer of 'friendship' in time-honoured fashion and they both stormed off in opposite directions. This was a good thing for Naruto Uzumaki, as there was thus no witness to his voice subsequently ringing across the clearing:

"…YOU CAN JUST BE FRIENDS WITH GIRLS…?"

…

A few miles away, in the Hokage's Tower, Hiruzen Sarutobi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. This was just _sad_.

Hey, don't knock it. Even Hokage need entertainment sometimes.

…

…Well, no material witness. Not that he was in any condition to notice either way, given that Naruto was in the grip of an epiphany.

'_All this time, there's a DIFFERENCE between girlfriends and girl friends…? Why the hell did I never spot that?_' Because it all made such sense now! Girl friends to just be friends with, friends who just happened to be girls – girls to talk with, and play games with, and go out and eat with, and just treat like normal friends! (Not that he had any, but he saw friends doing that all the time, so that had to be right didn't it?) And as for that 'girlfriend' stuff, _that_ was what all the sticky kissing and naughty touching was for! No wonder it had felt creepy when he thought about it – he'd been thinking the wrong thing all this time! '_Man, no wonder Sakura always got so mad! She wouldn't want to do that any more than me!_'

Then the 'attention span' issue kicked in. Only, instead of blasting his train of thought through the side of the tunnel and into the Great Broth-Lake of RAMEN! or something similar, it blasted his train of thought off on a related tangent through sheer luck (read: artistic license).

'_…Yes she would… just…not with _me_. I bet she'd do it with the Bastard, though._' He wasn't stupid. (For a hyperactive eleven-year-old, at least.) All the things he did when he thought he wanted a girlfriend, Sakura did when she was around Sasuke. She even did other things, like stalk the bastard. And it wasn't just her, either – just about every girl in their class did it. Ino, Ami, hell, pretty much all of them except Hinata did it.

Maybe that was another difference between boys and girls? Apart from the obvious. This _was_ the future creator of the _Oroike no Jutsu_, after all – not to mention the mandatory 'this is how babies are made, so don't do it unless you want a baby or you're ordered to do it by the Hokage and/or your clan head' lecture back in the Academy that even _Naruto_ had been certain to pay attention to because he didn't want a kid yet. Maybe they all _wanted_ babies with Sasuke? But what was so damned great about the Uchiha? '_Heh, and he hates it too. Just goes "Hn," the emo bastard…_'

Naruto sniggered, momentarily cheered over the constant entertainment of Sasuke in agony over his legion of fangirls. Then his attention span issue wandered back in and slammed his face into the sewer, again with unusual, fortuitous accuracy.

Well, metaphorically. Certainly he felt like he'd rolled around in a sewer afterwards.

'_Oh kami, I'M A FANBOY…!_'

And it got worse, like his face was being pinned down in the shit.

'_Oh kami, I'M FANBOYING OVER SAKURA LIKE SHE IS WITH SASUKE!_'

…Now _that_ tasted foul. Not in a million years would he have inflicted the perfumed hell that was fangirls on anyone he cared about. And yet he'd done it to Sakura, only without the perfume.

'…_No wonder she doesn't like me…_'

The thing about having so very few people willing to call you 'friend', even if for only a week before their mother got to them and made them leave you alone again: you never learned how much it _hurt_ to let them down.

But Naruto's worldview did not allow for cowardice. He had wronged a girl who he would call friend. So, the only thing to do was to make it right!

* * *

**Ending A/N:** So, a short one to start with. The other chapters (four more, total) are undergoing final draft, and should be up within the week. Epilogues in omake-form to follow – got a few bouncing around in there.

So, yeah. Review and stuff? Tips on how to do it better? Etcetera? In the meantime, thanks (or _screw you too!_ Whichever fits better…) and I hope you enjoy the next instalment.


	2. Screwing It Twice

**Disclaimer:** see first chapter. Or, you know, think of something funnier.

**Summary:** In which Naruto baits Iruka into teaching him something – and also, in which Iruka baits Naruto into learning something else.

* * *

**Fans Anonymous**

**Chapter 2: Checking It Twice?**

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

It was perhaps a week after Naruto's uncomfortable epiphany that the first real change in his long-term fortunes occurred. And it was one that Iruka Umino approved of wholeheartedly – as a good sign for the rest of Naruto's academic year, if nothing else.

—ox-oxo-xo—

The series of decisions which led to that point would likely have struck most of Naruto's acquaintances as uncommonly well-considered for him… which was a little unfair to the little blond troublemaker, because this concerned something that he really, really wanted. That, and it was almost like a prank if he thought about it the right way.

After doing his best to regain his equilibrium, Naruto had spent a long night awake in bed wondering what he could do to make it up to Sakura for acting like a fanboy, and how he felt about her. What he had come up with could be summarised thus:

_1: She was his friend, even if he wasn't hers. Anything else could wait until they were older.  
2: He wanted to be her friend. Duh! But…  
3: She wouldn't let that happen, unless he did something BIG to change her mind. After all, he'd been fanboying over her for years. (He still shuddered when he thought about that.) And…  
4: Somehow, he didn't think a simple apology would cut it. Not that it ever did, come to think of it…_

At that point, a lesser mortal might have quailed. But Naruto's will to succeed was never to be questioned, even if his _chances_ at it were mocked on a constant basis. So, he tried to put himself in her shoes and imagine what he could do that would satisfy her in the way of an apology…

…Which, needless to say, didn't work out all that well. So, he tried instead to imagine what _he_ would accept if someone had done something really terrible and was trying to make it up to him. That was a whole lot easier, and his imagination's eye had briefly scampered away into a daydream about endless ramen and awesome jutsu extorted from the hapless supplicant. Then he was struck by another thought:

What if that didn't work? What if whatever that random person had done was something so bad that he might never forgive them? What if Naruto didn't even listen long enough to hear the offers of awesomeness, and just wanted them to leave him alone?

What if Sakura just wanted him to leave her alone?

Well, screw _that_, Naruto decided. Which lead on to:

_5: To be her friend, he had to make it up to her first.  
6: He could make it up to her in two ways: by giving her something she really, really wanted, or by leaving her alone. BUT, leaving her alone wouldn't get him any closer to being her friend – he was pretty sure friends weren't meant to avoid each other. And besides, the thought of avoiding Sakura made his tummy hurt.  
7: …But, he was pretty sure she didn't like ramen and jutsu, so he'd have to think of something else._

Naruto had tried for a while to think about what Sakura might want. He didn't have that much luck there – he could only think of three things. Defending her from bullies hadn't worked for a long time anyway, and while the thought of repeatedly pranking Ino and Ami did send a evil grin sailing across his face for a bit, Naruto still remembered that Ino was more of a rival for Sasuke's affections than an actual enemy to Sakura like Ami was – and nowadays Sakura's past friendship with Ino put her above Ami in the fanclub pecking order. So as funny as it'd be, it still wouldn't get her to forgive him.

Which, given that just asking her what she would accept as an apology wouldn't work (because she'd probably just tell him to leave her alone…and/or hit him a bunch of times), and unless he wanted to be even _more_ of a fanboy and start stalking her to find out what else she might really, really like apart from him leaving her alone…

…Left just one possible thing. Something that left him grimacing at even the thought of it.

_8: The only thing that he knew she really, really wanted… was Sasuke._

On the plus side though, she'd _have_ to forgive him if he managed to pull it off… And also, he was confident that Sasuke didn't want anything to do with her either, so Naruto was pretty sure getting them together would count as a _really_ big prank on the Bastard.

Of course, that left him with the task of making sure that Sakura got her wish of being (shudder) Sasuke's _girlfriend_. And doing that would be tricky – because Sakura was one of his most persistent fangirls, and Sasuke _hated_ fangirls. But a good few hours of what could pass for logical thinking had left an imprint on Naruto's impressionable young mind that wouldn't wear off for a while, so it occurred to him to wonder: if Naruto wanted to be Hokage and be Sakura's friend, and Sakura wanted to be Sasuke's girlfriend, then what did _Sasuke_ want?

More to the point, how the hell could Naruto find that out?

…

Asking him…didn't work. He tried that the next day at the Academy, and the Bastard just insulted him. (As an adjunct to that failure, Naruto reluctantly decided that it wouldn't be worth betting Sasuke that he should take Sakura on a date if Naruto won a fight between them, at least until he got good enough to guarantee that he could win that fight. Fortunately the bruises he'd picked up from his latest random argument with the bastard had faded as quickly as usual.)

Spying on him…wouldn't work. That's what stalking WAS, and none of his fangirls had succeeded yet.

Which, after another miniature flash of inspiration a few days later, led him to the current situation: Naruto staring up expectantly at Sensei Iruka and waiting for an answer.

—ox-oxo-xo—

Iruka didn't know all that. What he _did_ know was that Naruto had just asked him a question that _wasn't_ about jutsu. A question that couldn't be answered properly without researching the answer. And, Iruka was hoping, a question that Naruto wanted answered badly enough that he would _actually_ research it.

'_…Yes,_' Iruka decided. '_He seems to really want to know, though damned if I know why. This might really work…_'

* * *

**Ending A/N:** …And an even shorter chapter to follow.

Hmmm…

On second thoughts, here's the next one!

* * *

**Fans Anonymous**

**Chapter 2.5: (…Nope, Same Title Still Works…) (Or. _Does It_?)**

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

Naruto yawned and pushed aside his notes, remembering that he had class tomorrow.

Then he shuddered. He had _notes_. He had _lots_ of notes, notes that _he'd_ made.

It had been a long three weeks since he'd talked to Sensei Iruka about what Sasuke might want. Getting his hands on the books that Iruka wanted him to look at had been kinda fun (the _Henge_ was awesome!), but that was where the fun had ended. Because then he'd had to (shudder) _read_ them.

Has it been mentioned yet that Naruto wasn't very good at reading? Though on the upside, he was getting better at it all the time what with all the research, so he could read the blackboard quicker in class now.

But at last Naruto thought he'd found out everything he needed to. Nowadays he even felt a little bad for the Bastard…not all that much, though. At least he'd had parents once, even if his father was a policeman and sounded like a jerk. And hey, it might even help Naruto win some of their fights.

Sasuke Uchiha, of the Uchiha clan – which was all dead now except for Sasuke, at the hands of his older brother Itachi Uchiha, the S-class missing-nin. So Sasuke had been living alone from the age of six, a lot like Naruto. Of course, the Bastard had been able to afford good food at any restaurant in town on the money left by his dead clan, unlike Naruto. The Uchiha clan was apparently really important for a doujutsu that their members had called the Sharingan, which could copy their opponent's jutsu – which had really pissed him off, until he read on and found out that it needed to be activated by being convinced that the Uchiha was going to die. Still, that was something he'd have to watch out for, which at least wasn't that hard – what with the Sharingan turning their eyes red with little pips in them or something.

He'd read a little more about the other clans while he was at it, wondering what they could do (and whether _they_ could pinch his awesome jutsu in future too). And it was really interesting, if a bit depressing, to read about all the cool stuff they could do that he couldn't. The Hyuuga had their Byakugan, which could see through anything – which had Naruto fuming as he finally got an answer as to why it was so hard pulling pranks on them. And then had him grinning evilly when he reflected that the whole 'see through anything' thing meant that they were all a bunch of perverts anyway, and should therefore be pranked as much as possible in future. Except for Hinata, because she was at least nice for a pervert, and was even nice to Naruto apart from the whole blushing-and-fainting thing.

(It would prove to be well over a year later when the other shoe dropped for Naruto on that one. Fortunately it wasn't on a mission, which was a good thing because the spectacle of Naruto Uzumaki spontaneously rolling around with laughter would probably not have gone down well. As it was, he only narrowly avoided having to explain to Sakura that he was laughing so hard because he'd just realised the significance behind the only girl in their entire academy class not being one of Sasuke's fangirls being the one that could see through his underpants. Friend or not, she would have thumped him _really_ hard for that one…)

Kiba's new puppy Akamaru would grow up to be a real badass, even if he reckoned Kiba would probably always be a blowhard (completely ignoring any sense of hypocrisy that statement should have registered). Shikamaru could learn how to capture people with their shadows. Ino was going to learn how to possess people one day, which was _seriously_ scary in the hands of someone like Ino. Chouji was so fat because his whole clan was fat – only, it was a _really_ bad idea to call them_ that_ f-word, because they could make their bodies or even parts of their bodies really big and strong and squish people who pissed them off. And speaking of squishing, Shino Aburame had an entire colony of bugs living under his clothes – which, to Naruto's boyish sensibilities, made him just plain _cool_. It was just a good thing he couldn't use much chakra, because otherwise he'd be so awesome that he might end up being a challenger to Naruto for the title of Hokage.

He hadn't found anything on the other names in their class, or anything much on the Uzumaki – though apparently they _were_ a clan even if they were mostly dead now except for him, and came from a dead ninja village called Uzushio. Which was something of a revelation to him, because he'd always got the impression from the villagers that his parents had been from Iwa or something, assuming he'd even _had_ parents. But as far as he could find out, he didn't have anything kickass like some of the other clan-kids had…which he actually wasn't all that worried about, because he'd looked up Old Man Hokage's clan while he was at it and discovered that they didn't have anything kickass like that either, except for a summoning contract with monkeys. No – the Hokage had got to where he was by studying his wrinkly ass off and learning everyone's skills the hard way.

Which was _really_ depressing, because if Naruto wanted to be Hokage then it looked like he had to do a LOT more reading.

Naruto yawned again at the thought and climbed into bed.

Anyway, the whole point of all that reading was Sasuke, and what he wanted. And more importantly, how he could use it to make sure Sakura got him.

It wouldn't be easy. The Uchiha Clan had been uptight jerkwads, which was to be expected when most of them were in the Military Police, and Sasuke's dad had been the last one to run it. But the Uchiha Clan had been important, and Sasuke had to know just how important they had been. In the Bastard's position, Naruto knew what he'd want: for his Clan to become important again.

That much, he suspected all the fangirls knew already. Sasuke Uchiha's 'clan' consisted of two people, and only one of them was around to revive the clan. That meant growing the clan back up from scratch – which in turn meant that he would have to get married and have lots of babies to do it.

Naruto sure as hell couldn't see what they all found so attractive about the Bastard. But even he could see that Sasuke was the lone member of a rich clan with an important doujutsu. That had to be one hell of an incentive, not just for the fangirls but for some of their parents.

But the really tricky part came with the other thing that Naruto would want if he was Sasuke: to hunt down the man that had killed his family, and make him pay. Because said Older Bastard was an S-class missing-nin, and Sasuke needed to get a hell of a lot stronger before he could even think about pulling that one off. And besides, what if Itachi came back again and killed Sasuke's _new_ family?

So – add that all up, and Naruto found himself knowing something that Sasuke's legion of fangirls would salivate over: exactly what Sasuke wanted in a girlfriend.

Every last one of them would be disappointed. Because Sasuke _didn't_ want a girlfriend, and _wouldn't_ want one until it looked like he had the chance to take Itachi down. And when he did want a girlfriend, he'd want one who was really powerful – because their kids, the ones who'd grow up to form the new Clan Uchiha, needed to be just as powerful as the old clan if he wanted them to be appropriately kickass.

All of his fangirls would indeed be disappointed. Because all of them spent all their time mooning over Sasuke and primping and posturing to catch his eye now – and none of their time training to be _powerful_ enough to catch his eye when it finally mattered.

On the face of it, Sakura Haruno didn't have a chance. As much as he didn't want to think badly of her, she really didn't train much. She just spent her time reading…

Naruto's eyes, which had been drifting drowsily shut, slammed wide open.

That could work! And Naruto could even help! It was _perfect_!

And even better, it would count as a _truly_ awesome prank on Sasuke…

* * *

**Actual Ending A/N:** (looks at the word count) Ahhh, that's better. Incidentally, the original spark of inspiration for this story was a divergence from the end of this chapter…which explains much of the parodic overtones of the fic, come to think of it. The original 'ending' will be an omake later on…

…Unless of course, you'd rather see that omake next chapter? Because I could post that instead…

In the meantime, review and so on? Especially if there's an omake you wouldn't mind seeing later.


	3. At Least It Wasn't Flammable…

**Disclaimer:** see first chapter. Or a lawyer.

**Summary:** In which Sakura gets a clue, Naruto gets a growth-spurt, and Asuma and Kurenai get pranked.

* * *

**Fans Anonymous**

**Chapter 3: At Least It Wasn't Flammable…**

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

Outside a certain civilian household, as the false dawn painted the sky, there was a blur of orange and a muffled thump on the doorstep.

A short while later, an ANBU paused along his path on the rooftops across the street, regarding the innocuous package quizzically for a few moments. Pale eyes stared hard at the brown paper wrapping, tied with string, before blinking and casting ahead to where his target was heading towards one of the training grounds habitually used by Academy students.

'_Hm…_' the branch family Hyuuga mused behind his ANBU mask, having satisfied his curiosity, '_that's a novel way of going about it._'

Another short while later, as the sun rose, a yawning middle-aged civilian cracked open the front door and almost tripped over the package. Noting the intended recipient, he shrugged in the non-paranoid way of people who aren't ninja and carried the thing inside before heading out to the market to fill out the shopping list his wife had given him last night.

And a little over an hour later, said man and wife were treated to the sight of their daughter's jaw dropping hard enough to rattle the breakfast table.

—ox-oxo-xo—

Sakura Haruno spent that day at the Academy in a daze, eyes constantly drifting over to Sasuke (though that much, at least, wasn't particularly noteworthy). She only thanked her lucky stars later that she'd retained enough sense to make some basic notes on automatic in class.

A feverish few hours flicking through the relevant references in the library afterwards (at a far quicker pace than Naruto had managed, though she didn't know this) only served to confirm the magnitude of her error when it came to wooing Sasuke Uchiha.

"It could have been worse," she tried to reassure herself, "at least everyone else made the same mistake…"

It did help calm her inner self down, a little. Now, she could only hope that she hadn't done too much damage to her long-term chances – because if her mysterious benefactor was as right as they were increasingly looking to be, then there really was no hope for her short-term ones. Or anybody else's, fortunately.

The package hadn't contained much – only a few sheets of cheap paper. They had almost looked like a class assignment, actually, though she didn't remember one like this being handed out. But whoever had left it on her doorstep had known enough to guess she'd not trust something like this easily, and left both book references and where to find them so she could check for herself.

The last page had a message scrawled on the back, more hurriedly than the laborious scratchings of the recent, tragic history of the Uchiha Clan. It was harder to read, but easily legible enough to make its message clear to Sakura:

_**You have a fanboy. Naruto Uzumaki constantly tries to talk to you, impress you with his skills and convince you to go on dates with him. That annoys you, so you don't like him.  
Sasuke Uchiha has lots of fangirls. They constantly try to talk to him, impress him with their looks and convince him to go on dates with them. Also, they squabble with each other over him, and even stalk him. That annoys him, so he doesn't like them.  
I know you don't want to think you're one of those fangirls, but how is he going to tell the difference when you act like they do?**_

_**The solution? **_**Stop****_ acting like they do, because it obviously doesn't work.  
So what instead? TRAIN! Get Stronger! Because with what the Uchiha has to face, you can bet he'll need a strong kunoichi to help him restore his Clan…_**

And as much as she wanted to refute the logic, she couldn't help but see the point. Sure, there were other reasons for her not liking Naruto. Sure, she wasn't a fangirl (honest!). But the base fact was inarguable: what she was doing so far, just hadn't worked – and, the research implied, never would.

So maybe it _was_ time to try another way. At least it couldn't be any more painful than the constant stream of rejections.

Sakura stashed away the papers in her bag, put the library books back, and went off to find a field to get some training in before dinner.

—ox-oxo-xo—

A couple weeks later, Sakura subsequently found herself having cause to doubt her optimistic assumptions on the nature of pain. Her parents were worried, Sensei Iruka was looking at her funny, and she was even catching the odd glimmer of poorly-hidden concern in Ino's scornful glances. So when she was greeted one Sunday morning at the breakfast table with another package left on the doorstep, Sakura regarded its contents with a certain sense of foreboding.

Which lasted right until she saw what was inside.

Another 'assignment'. And a photo that almost took her breath away with awe and envy.

The photo was of a Konoha kunoichi, a slim, beautiful brunette with startling crimson eyes clad in a dress that looked almost like it was made of bandages, only marred slightly by the chuunin vest worn over it. The name 'Kurenai Yuuhi' was written in elegant, feminine script on the back of the photo.

The 'assignment's' contents, written in a different hand than Yuuhi's but still crediting her for the help, made her weep with gratitude…and then have a second helping of breakfast before hobbling off to the library once more, tactfully ignoring her parents' own twin waterfalls over something neither she nor her inner self wanted to contemplate right then. There were references to check!

…

(Meanwhile, one Kurenai Yuuhi looked over her own recently delivered photo with quiet satisfaction, sparing only a brief moment to wonder where the hell the brat had even got his hands on five gallons of peanut oil, let alone caught Asuma unawares with it.

She soon decided that it really didn't matter, absently licking her lips – such visual evidence of an oiled-up, topless Asuma Sarutobi certainly wasn't worth looking the gift horse in the mouth…)

…

(Meanwhile, one Asuma Sarutobi plotted. The brat might've made good his escape, but at least he'd had the common courtesy to rat out the true culprit in note-form as he fled the scene, along with the reasons behind it.

He chuckled evilly. Oh yes, there would be revenge on that evil, hypocritical woman. It might even involved _spanking_…)

…

(Meanwhile, one Hokage put away his crystal ball and reached for the first stack of paperwork, still quietly smirking to himself. Dear _kami_, that brat could be entertaining when he put his mind to it…)

…

(Meanwhile, one mysterious brat…erm, _benefactor_ plonked down on his seat at Ichiraku's for breakfast. When the order arrived, he blinked at the abnormally large amount of vegetable matter floating in the miso broth. Then remembering exactly who'd told him about what was probably wrong with Sakura in the first place, and the reading he'd done on how important it was to eat properly, he shrugged and dug in. If nothing else, at least it was with lots of ramen…)

…

This time, Sakura got the impression that the mysterious person who had sent her the two packages had only understood the provided references in a general sense. Sure, they'd got the gist of it – but the books she found went into the material in far greater detail.

Once again, she was kicking herself. Much as she should have researched the Uchiha before planning out her assault on Sasuke's heart, she _really_ should have researched the mechanics of nutrition before adopting her diet. But on the upside this time, Sakura had the satisfaction of quickly soaring beyond the benefactor's basic conclusions and seeing the path of her own self-made advancement being forged before her.

Poring at high speed through the well-worn books, Inner Sakura cheering her on with images of a (much older) Sasuke in…various situations (and poses), she began the complicated process of balancing caloric intake and nutrient levels for her age and weight, and adjusting them further to allow for various ranges of exercise and training. It was to her mind a fairly generic diet – or more accurately, something that her mother could look over and use as a guide to cooking a fairly generic diet. But it was a start, and it would do in the meantime.

She would be back during break from the Academy, because this was really important to know. Sakura couldn't for the life of her explain why this hadn't been covered in the Academy already, but… Well. Who was she to complain about something that could improve her chances of netting Sasuke's affections?

* * *

A few months passed, the yearly Academy break coming and going.

Another failed attempt at passing the final exam early for Naruto, though he did more-than-slightly better on the written portion and his _Henge_ had improved exponentially. He'd also shot up three inches in height, which was directly connected to his _Henge_ improvement – Naruto had quickly found out that looking like someone who hadn't pranked the proprietors of a number of market stalls led to getting far better deals from said proprietors. (He still ate inordinate amounts of ramen. But that didn't stop what the doctors reluctantly called 'his unnatural healing factor' from taking the chopped-up bits of vegetables and cured meat that he now tended to add to his cups of instant ramen with the boiling water and doing _wonders_ with it…)

Iruka had received both 'assignments', and was duly impressed with the first one. The second one, after a few pointed questions revealed Naruto's ignorance of the more in-depth reasoning, led first to consultation with the Academy Director and Suzume, then plans for the inclusion of basic lectures on dietary requirements in regards to aspiring ninja in the next term's lesson plan for first- and second-years. As it turned out, the problem had come about as a result of crossed wires in the staffroom – Suzume teaching the recently-prevalent 'diet' philosophy best useful to kunoichi on long-term infiltration assignments (including the 'assignment' of being a long-term housewife) under the assumption that the girls had first been taught the dietary basics in earlier classes… only for her and the Director to realise upon Iruka's enquiries that said earlier classes' teachers had assumed _Suzume_ was covering those.

It was perhaps too late to repair the damage to his own students. But the sight of Sakura Haruno upon the class's return for their final Academy year did aid Iruka's understanding of just why Naruto had become so curious about Sasuke Uchiha's motivations and how to make diets work for ninja.

The break had done her good. No longer looking drawn and pale – no, _this_ Sakura Haruno had an aura of quiet confidence about her, and more importantly an aura of good health. Her frame had begun to develop the slim but firm tones of a kunoichi who trained regularly, she'd tanned a little as a result of that training, and her movements were already taking on the subtle gliding cant of someone who had begun working on internalising those lessons in muscle memory at all times. She'd also had a minor growth spurt, adding another two inches to her height (as well as an inch or so to her bust area, something Iruka noted as further evidence as to her improved eating habits and scrupulously ignored forthwith).

It was a shame about the long bubblegum-pink hair and bright red dress that she still seemed attached to, but progress was progress – and her progress had gone further than met the eye, because the area she had truly made strides in was not immediately apparent at just a glance. Sakura had indeed returned to conduct further research at the library during her break. And it was there, in the beguilingly intricate medical case studies that backed up each rationale behind the nutrition scales, that she found her second love: the field of medicine, and its greatest nin-practitioner – who also happened to be the single strongest kunoichi in the Elemental Nations.

Sakura's path was chosen, and only needed her to apply herself and follow it. The general knowledge was _easy_, digested with barely a longer pause than her regular classwork. The intermediate knowledge was enough of a challenge to occupy goodly-sized chunks of her free time – which, as an added bonus, helped to fill the hours she no longer spent stalking her Sasuke (which, no great loss to be honest – not that she loved him any less! but someone as good as Sasuke had to know she was there and make him think she was a fangirl, which would only make him annoyed with her). And as for the high-level knowledge, at least what little an Academy student could find? Well, sometimes she got the edges – which only served to remind her that she had a long way to go…but if she stuck to it, she'd get there eventually.

She was feeling a little lonely, though. She hadn't chased Sasuke for months, which left her without the noise and violence and general excitement of the fangirls' company. And even the Idiot hadn't been pestering her much for a while…

Sakura paused, darting a glance at the orange-clad loudmouth. He gave her a happy grin and a thumbs-up, and went back to whatever he was doing. She turned back around with a grimace, ignoring the knot in her stomach that loosened when Naruto at least seemed pleased to see her.

But the general sense of loneliness did linger. Which perhaps explained, when Ino wandered over during throwing practice to assuage her curiosity over Sakura's seeming loss of interest in Sasuke, why it somehow led to the two-girl council of war held that night at the Yamanaka Clan 'compound' (flower shop), and Ino being let in on Sakura's secret benefactor – as well as one of her more own recently-uncovered discoveries about boys and puberty: to whit, the fact that they tended _not_ to until they were a little older.

Which led in turn to it becoming a three-'girl' council of war (with the inclusion of Ino's mother). Which turned into not so much a war council as a session of gossip, as the adult of the group first explained a little of what was commonly known about Kurenai Yuuhi, and then demonstrated where Ino got her penchant for gossip from by imparting a few juicy whispers about her rumoured relationship with the Hokage's son.

Apparently there was oil involved. And spanking.

The revelation of which resulted in two sets of crossed eyes. Followed by three sets of perverted giggles.

The truce came to an end the next morning at the Academy. But it at least remained understood between the two rivals that _Sasuke_ was the important thing here. The Pig/Forehead would _lose_. But just in case, by some horrible quirk of the heavens, they didn't… well, at least that was better than the object of their affections ending up with one of his annoying fangirls. And at least, even if whoever didn't get him, they would still be strong kunoichi and be in a good position to land someone else who wasn't too bad, or just stand on their own two feet. Rivalry was one thing, but enmity was another.

And Sasuke? For all that he should have felt relieved that two of his scariest fangirls had seemingly pulled back, he still couldn't help but feel a sense of foreboding…

* * *

**Ending A/N:** Hm, I wonder if peanut oil is flammable? …Meh. Though I do have to wonder sometimes how horribly wrong he could have gotten those pranks…

_Naruto: "Painting the Hokage faces, painting the Hokage faces, falling off the Hokage faces, falling off the— wait, what? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH…"_

_Ground: 'Thud.'_

_Naruto's Body: craps itself, what with being dead and all._

Anyway… review, criticise, suggest, point and laugh? I dunno, something?


	4. …Shall Make Ye Fret

**Disclaimer:** see first chapter. Or, y'know, just assume it's not mine like normal people.

**Summary:** In which Naruto has an awesome medical condition, Iruka and Mizuki are beaten up, and Hiruzen Sarutobi has a nosebleed. Yup, welcome to canon-land…kinda.

**A/N:** This would've been up yesterday, but I had to spend an entire evening watching/waiting as one of my closests friends died...and then spend an entire early morning waiting for the attendant paperwork to be sorted. Yeesh.

* * *

**Fans Anonymous**

**Chapter 4: …Shall Make Ye Fret**

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

The Sandaime Hokage's eyes lingered on the well-worn hitai-ate adorning Naruto's forehead as he came bouncing into his office, Iruka Umino trudging in gingerly behind him with a few bandages in evidence and one hitai-ate short. He negligently triggered the privacy seal as the door closed, having a good idea of how this meeting was going to go.

"Ah, congratulations Naruto! That makes things easier."

Iruka straightened carefully. "Uh, what do you mean by that, Lord Hokage?"

"And excellent work as well, Iruka. Quite frankly, I had been preparing the paperwork earlier to pass Naruto anyway." Hiruzen fixed Naruto with a hard eye, waving the lightly injured Iruka to a seat. "At least, before a certain boy decided to _interrupt_ me…"

"Eh," Naruto shrugged nonchalantly, "you loved it!"

Not the slightest flinch resulted. The fact that, at least…erm, _aesthetically speaking_ Hiruzen had indeed been appreciative of the technique he had half-a-mind to add to the Forbidden Scroll that Iruka had just dropped on his desk, was utterly irrelevant.

"But, hey! Whaddaya mean, you were gonna pass me anyway?"

"Medical condition. Much like young Lee Rock from last year's graduating class, you have a condition that bars you from performing the standard _Bunshin_ for the foreseeable future. The fact that your marks were easily good enough to pass this year apart from the _Bunshin_ allows me to make such an exception."

Iruka stiffened. "Medical condition…?" He sent a laden glance between the Hokage and Naruto, unsure of how to phrase his sudden worry.

The chuunin instructor had been horrorstruck as Mizuki, a seemingly amiable and trustworthy fellow instructor who he had worked with on and off for nearly five years, had not only attacked Naruto (which, had he not been told just a handful of seconds beforehand that Mizuki had in fact been the one to order Naruto to steal the Forbidden Scroll, might have seemed a forgivable action against an apparent thief and traitor), but then proceeded to blatantly and with malice aforethought break the Sandaime's Law. Not that he didn't understand a little how Mizuki felt, having felt like that for some years before the simple impossibility of the ridiculous loudmouthed prankster, little harmless Naruto Uzumaki being the Kyuubi personified filtered into his mind over his time at the Academy.

Whether some sense of grief had merely driven him past the brink, or whether Mizuki had truly been a traitor intending to abscond with the Forbidden Scroll directly to Konoha's enemies, was something Iruka was honestly not sure he wanted to know.

It was somewhat of a surprise, though, that Naruto had seemed to be more insulted than shocked by Mizuki's accusations.

Iruka's attention snapping back to the village's leader, now loading up his pipe as he replied. "No, not the Kyuubi."

He barely repressed a flinch. '_Well, that was straightforward,_' he mused, glancing at Naruto.

His student (for now) caught the look and rolled his eyes. "Worst kept S-rank secret _ever_. The villagers don't talk about it around children, but sometimes I _Henge_ as an adult to buy food." He grimaced. "Get better deals that way. Heard enough clues a couple months ago, went to the Old Man for the truth."

"And I must say you handled it pretty well, Naruto. But anyway… No, Naruto's medical condition has nothing to do with the Kyuubi, though it may well be a byproduct of the seal which contains it." He paused. "Naruto. What can you tell me about the relationship between chakra capacity and chakra control?"

Naruto fell silent for a moment, racking his memory. The Hokage lit his pipe and began puffing on it, while Iruka watched on with a good heaping of fatalistic resignation. For all that his academic marks had improved by a respectable margin, he had if anything paid even _less_ attention in class over the past year—

"It's gotta be in balance, right? If one gets too high, it gets harder to raise the other one… That sound right, Old Man?"

Naruto didn't even bother holding back the triumphant smirk from his face as he caught the surprise on Iruka's scarred mug. If nothing else, at least the _textbooks_ didn't yell at him when they were so boring he dosed off for a few minutes…

"Correct. If one's reserves are too high in relation to one's control, one must perform a great many control exercises to improve how much of that chakra you actually have at your disposal. On the other hand, if one's control is too high in relation to one's reserves, one must perform a great deal of more chakra-intensive jutsu or control exercises in order for one's reserves not to taper off and stagnate at that lower level. Put simply: if your reserves are too high, you will have difficulty performing lower-level jutsu. If your control is too high, you will have difficulty performing higher-level jutsu."

The eye of Iruka's mind turned to earlier that night, and the hundreds of _Kage Bunshin_ Naruto had generated to beat Mizuki into submission. "_…Crap_. My apologies, Lord Hokage. Sorry, Naruto."

"Huh?"

The Hokage sighed, venting a thick puff of tobacco smoke. "It's all right, Iruka – I think giving Naruto his merit graduation and helping apprehend a traitor to the Leaf earns you a little leeway on this. However, in future it might be worth consulting with your peers regarding special cases such as Naruto and Lee." He turned back to the newly minted genin, and completed his explanation given that the boy seemed a little slow on the uptake tonight – and fair enough, Hiruzen supposed, it _had_ been a long day.

"Now, the _Kage Bunshin_ generates a number of clones, each of which takes an equal split of the originator's chakra. And importantly, one of the reasons that this jutsu was placed on the Forbidden Scroll in the first place was the exorbitant chakra cost in creating them. To put it into perspective: Iruka himself has sufficient reserves to generate perhaps four _Kage Bunshin_, _maybe_ five if he took a soldier pill immediately beforehand to stave off the immediate, possibly lethal effects of chakra exhaustion. How many did you create tonight, Naruto?"

"A few…hundred…? Oh."

"Yes. High-jounin level reserves – but only academy-level control. As you were this morning, it would take years of chakra control exercises – exercises that are forbidden to be taught to Academy students outside of Clan-mandated training sessions, no less – to get your control to the point where you could perform the _Bunshin no Jutsu_. You were never going to pass the exam without being exempted from performing that jutsu." He shrugged eloquently. "Hence, the 'medical condition'."

Naruto blinked. Then he glared. "And you planned on telling me this…_when_, exactly?"

"Tonight, of course. How did you think you 'snuck in' so easily? I was expecting Mizuki to pass on my summons, not send you to steal village secrets."

"Oh! Okay then…" Naruto shrugged, reverting back to cheerful type in the blink of an eye.

"Of course, now that you are a genin, you should ask your new jounin-sensei to teach you tree-climbing, water-walking and kunai-balancing as soon as possible, in that order, and get your control to a serviceable level. Also, once you've gone some way to mastering these, it might be worth generating a hundred or so _Kage Bunshin_ to cut your reserves to one-hundredth of your usual levels, and _then_ attempting the _Bunshin_."

"Huh, thanks Old Man!" Naruto shouted. But then he became a little hesitant. "Only… Are you sure they'll actually teach me? I mean…" he trailed off, pointing at his stomach.

Hiruzen paused, and thought about that for a short while, considering all the angles.

On the one hand, it was a long-standing tradition for the jounin to smack their new students upside the ego with their own test. There were good reasons for this. And it was the young Uchiha's team, so Kakashi Hatake would be under a great deal of political pressure to pass him. So Kakashi would probably pass them regardless.

On the other hand… it was _Kakashi Hatake_. The jounin who had peremptorily failed six teams for failing the Shodaime's bell test, which had never been intended to be used to pass or fail brand-new genin teams in the first place. The jounin who had a reputation for laziness unmatched by any in Konoha outside of the Nara Clan. It had in fact been speculated occasionally that the only reason Kakashi offered to take teams at all was that the ex-ANBU regarded it as the equivalent of a paid vacation.

As for Naruto… As much as he hated to admit it, from Naruto's viewpoint there _was_ a potential issue even accounting for his current ignorance of the jounin-sensei's test.

And besides, there was that other little matter, the one that Naruto probably didn't even think he knew about. Yes, Hiruzen decided, that would suffice – simultaneous reward and embarrassment. Much like the _Oroike no Jutsu_ he'd been met with earlier that evening…

"All right… there are two things I am going to tell you about what will happen over the next few days, so I can allay your fears about that. These two things, you must not tell your other classmates – there are good reasons for this. For the two new genin who will become your teammates, however… well, I'm sure you can choose a good time to tell them. And while you're at it, it might be a good idea to consider telling your new teammates about the burden you bear, as well…"

Although, seeing the terrified look on the boy's face, Hiruzen and Iruka did decide to give him a few pointers on how to go about it. For the Sandaime, who himself had witnessed one of the worst possible ways for the truth to come out, it seemed only prudent. And for Iruka, the opportunity to lecture a captive audience when they _had_ to listen to it was well worth the effort.

Of course, Naruto's comprehension of (and interest in) the subject matter improved dramatically once he realised that this, as so many other things he'd begun to think about over the past few months, could also be thought of as a convoluted prank.

—ox-oxo-xo—

Sakura awoke the next morning with a big smile on her face. She was a genin now, she was sure she'd nailed the 'top kunoichi' spot even, and she was one step closer to becoming powerful enough to win Sasuke's heart. She zipped around, getting her gear together, and then got to the breakfast table, and found something that promised to make it even better.

Another package from her mysterious benefactor.

Her solidly civilian parents looked at her with expectant smiles as she tore apart the customary brown paper-and-string wrapping. They might not have been all _that_ happy initially when she started taking being a ninja more seriously, but looking through what the first package contained had satisfied them that Sakura still had her heart set on the rich and potentially powerful heir to one of the most prestigious clans in Konoha's history – she had just set her sights on a more realistic way of going about it in light of new information.

(Try not to think of them too poorly. In the mind of the average civilian of a ninja village, there's an important difference between your daughter wanting to grow up and marry a powerful lord who happens to be a killer as part of his vocation, and your daughter wanting to grow up to _be_ a killer. Can you really blame them for preferring the first motivation?)

And the second package had left them in discreet paroxysms of joy that she was eating properly now. (Or at least, properly for a growing kunoichi – they might not have worried overmuch before the first package arrived, but the state she'd been in before the second one came had been impossible for her parents not to get alarmed about…) Not to mention that the second package had led directly to their daughter deciding to aim at a decidedly less dangerous aspect of ninja life – namely, saving lives instead of ending them.

Sakura ripped open the box, and found a brown envelope, with a single slip of paper inside it.

She read it. Her parents flinched at the squeal, then flinched again at the speed she wolfed down her breakfast and dashed back upstairs.

Mebuki Haruno curiously reached over and picked up the slip.

_**Well done so far, Sakura – Phase One, complete.**_

_**There is a tradition when forming genin teams from graduating academy students. One of the teams is always made from the top scorer of the class, the top kunoichi (or shinobi if the kunoichi came first overall) and the 'dead-last' (the one with the lowest pass mark).  
Sasuke Uchiha was the top of the class. You, Sakura Haruno, were the top kunoichi. See where I'm going with this?**_

Mebuki smiled proudly. "That does explain it…"

Kizashi read it over her shoulder and smiled in turn. "There's something on the other side? I don't think Sakura read it."

And indeed there was.

_**Three more things:**_

_**Phase ONE complete! The wait doesn't end here – you still need to get far stronger. Being on Sasuke's team only makes it easier for him to notice that you ARE getting stronger.  
Secondly: this tradition is a D-level secret, but is still a secret. DO NOT tell your classmates.  
And thirdly… there's another part of this package. It will find you later on today, in another box, as events permit. Good luck, Sakura.**_

Sakura returned a little later, with far more care taken of her appearance than she'd mostly bothered with over the past school year, and was shown the other side of the slip. Her eyes glowed even brighter as she bolted out the door.

—ox-oxo-xo—

Naruto ambled into the classroom for the last time (unless he decided to come back for some more pranking fun, of course!), grinning happily at his classmates and fobbing off Kiba's loud query as to his presence by pointing to the hitai-ate resting proudly on his forehead on the way to his seat. Given that Dog-Breath was an Inuzuka, he'd probably pass the real exam, but he could dream, couldn't he?

It was kind of ironic, really – twenty-seven students passing the Academy exam, and only… he quickly ran through the faces …_nine_, probably would actually stay in their assigned teams. Seven to keep the big clans happy, one because the top kunoichi tended to deserve her spot (and in Sakura's case, she really _did_), and him because Old Man Hokage was awesome… and a sneaky old bastard, too, when he had to be. His inner sense of fairness had been assuaged though, when Iruka told him that the other genin, the ones who failed, were ran through a remedial post-academy course at a different site before being cycled into the village's administrative areas.

Which, again ironically, was something the ninja saw as a little snub against the civilians and their pushes to get their kids into the ninja forces, and thus in positions of fame, prestige and influence to push their own families' agendas – and something the civilians mostly took as a blessing because it kept their kids out of the firing line.

He wasn't sure how he felt about that, although he couldn't help but wonder how many of the (now ex-)civilian kids knew that already. But he had time to work it out – it was a long road to being Hokage, after all. And besides, what was coming later on today (and tomorrow, too!) made him far more nervous. This would be one of the biggest gambles of his life…with only the tenuous assurance that this was part of the Prank to buoy his confidence.

* * *

**Ending A/N:** Yes, I _do_ realise this was mostly filler. Why do you ask? For me, this chapter was partly a vehicle for a few ideas I'd thought up to potentially explain some of the early Naruto-canon plot holes I've been noticing. (I've been reading a lot of **dogbertcarroll**'s stuff lately. Bite me.) That, and the next chapter was meant to be a part of this too – but a sudden 6K chapter wasn't something I felt like springing on the reader. So the next one will be up tomorrow.

Now, it'd be nice if you reviewed…it'd also be nice if you sent me a million dollars. But sadly there isn't a convenient box provided below for the latter.


	5. …Well? Start Rue-ing!

**Disclaimer:** See first chapter. Or just pretend you remember seeing it, and read on regardless.

**Summary:** In which more hackneyed ground is paved over, secrets are revealed, and Phase One of Naruto's biggest prank is completed. Oh, and Hinata faints again.

A/N: Last standard chapter, epilogue(s) to follow. And while I'm here, grateful thanks to **Poppy Grave Dreams**, **Suzululu4moe**, **Plasma57**, **Hanmac**, 'Ann' (hope this answers the question) and 'kidloco' for their reviews. Hmm, might just have to slip something into the omakes for you lot…

* * *

**Fans Anonymous**

**Chapter 5: "Well? Start Rue-ing!"**

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

'_That,_' Kakashi Hatake mused as he _Shunshin_'d from the rooftop, '_was somewhat interesting…_'

The Uchiha hadn't exactly been full of shocking revelations – a emotionally scarred young man who reminded him a lot of how he himself had been around that age. The girl, though, had been _somewhat_ of a nice surprise…

"_Hi, I'm Sakura Haruno. I like learning about medicine and…a certain someone…" she mumbled that last part. "My dream is to become a strong kunoichi like Lady Tsunade, so I can…" the pinkette suddenly stopped, slamming a hand over her mouth._

…though her closing introduction definitely lost her ground.

"…_and I dislike Naruto!"_

It was at least obvious that, while Sakura was still very much a fangirl like the vast majority of her graduating class, she had decided to play it smart in earning Sasuke's affections. He did wonder as well how much potential she might have as a medic-nin. A fair bit like Rin, that one…

As for the third member, and 'dead last', of the group… Quite honestly, with how the other two introductions had gone he'd been expecting something out of Obito's playbook. And it had started out something like that… but then had gone somewhere he hadn't exactly been expecting.

"_I'm Naruto Uzumaki! I like ramen, training and pranks! I dislike the three minutes it takes for instant ramen to cook, and I hate traitors. My dream is to become Hokage, and fix my awesome medical condition while I'm at it, believe it!"_

_Kakashi cocked an eyebrow, while Sasuke whirled to stare at the blond. Sakura eventually stopped gaping for long enough to parrot, "…Awesome…medical condition…?"_

"_Yep! Chakra Capacity Imbalance, the Old Man called it. As much chakra as Sensei Kakashi, but even less control than you two, because they don't teach us the exercises to deal with that much chakra until you're ninja. Oh," he stopped, pulling out a small scroll, "Old Man said to teach me these, pronto."_

"_'Old Man', dead-last? Aren't you an orphan?" Sasuke muttered, clearly upset._

"_Old Man Hokage! Anyway, with my control so bad, I'd have never been able to learn the _Bunshin_. So, medical condition. And hey! I'm not dead-last! I would've been somewhere in the middle if I could do the _Bunshin_, it's only the medical condition that knocked me down to the bottom."_

_Sasuke and Sakura blinked at the pouting blond for a while, then began to turn back towards Kakashi. Suddenly Naruto snapped his fingers._

"_Oh yeah, and once we're done with Kakashi-sensei, I've got an S-class village secret that I should probably talk to you two about."_

_Sakura and Sasuke closed their mouths, which had probably opened to spew some disbelieving invective, when Kakashi responded seriously, "Do you have clearance for that, Naruto?"_

_Naruto snorted. "Whose idea did ya think it was? Anyway, it's me – I can tell anyone I want."_

It seemed he was going to need a more in-depth talk with the Hokage than he had predicted. In the meantime, however, he took the opportunity to linger out of sight, but close enough to hear what happened after his leavetaking.

"Okay guys, let's not do this here. We might as well be training. Or eating, I haven't eaten since… huh, last night!"

"Naruto, you idiot! You need to eat!"

"Right! Ichiraku's, then!"

A dull _thump_. "Ramen? But that's very fattening, idiot!"

"So train it off, then! Old Man Teuchi's started doing nutrition cards too, so you'll know how much you need to train anyway…"

Disbelieving silence fell for a moment. Kakashi ghosted away in the meantime, pulling out his favourite series to while away the hours until he felt like seeing the Hokage.

—ox-oxo-xo—

Naruto was right, Sakura discovered. Ichiraku's Ramen had started doing nutrition cards. Or at least, Teuchi fetched her one when she asked for it. It was a little basic, but she decided that she could deal with a small vegetable ramen and go for a run after they were done here. Sasuke 'hn'ed and ordered one of the same.

Somewhat surprisingly, Naruto also got a vegetable ramen. Albeit a really, really large one. They subsequently had to look away while the blond tore through the entire bowl in the space of a minute, which was just in time for the next bowl to arrive. This one, though, he began eating much more slowly as he remembered why they were there in the first place.

"Right… S-rank village secret – most of the adults know it anyway though, for a secret it's really, really badly kept. It's called the Sandaime's Law – talk about it to someone who doesn't know, and ANBU kills you." Naruto engulfed a mouthful of… Sakura blinked out of her disgusted daze, realising she'd followed his lead and begun eating. Fattening it might be, but the ramen was surprisingly good. "The secret's about me, though, so I can tell anyone – or at least I could once _I_ found out, which was only a couple months back. You just can't tell anyone else. Got that?"

Sasuke nodded impatiently. Sakura pointed at the waitress, only a metre away at the counter. "What about her?"

Naruto shrugged. "Eh, I trust Ayame. Besides, her dad probably knows already, and he's been serving me ramen for years anyway." He paused for another mouthful of ramen. "Hey, Sakura. I've seen you with some medical books lately. Anything about jinchuuriki in them?"

"Jinchuuriki?" Sakura blinked. "'Power of human sacrifice'? No, why?"

Naruto took a deep, steadying breath. "Thing about the bijuu, the tailed beasts like the Kyuubi? Their bodies are really just constructs, made out of solid chakra. It's almost impossible to actually kill them – and even if you managed to pull it off, they'll just come back in a few years anyway. Not even the Yondaime could kill the Kyuubi when it attacked Konoha.

"What he _could_ do, though, was seal it with fuuinjutsu. The _Shiki Fuuin_, which is how he did it, basically summons the Shinigami. In exchange for letting the Shinigami eat his soul, he got the Shinigami to eat half of the Kyuubi's chakra as well, and cram the rest into what's basically a really, _really_ powerful storage seal. You both know how those work, right?"

"Of course we do, dumbass. How do _you_ know?"

"I _do_ read," Naruto snapped back, ignoring his teammates' momentarily gaping faces at the preposterous nature of that statement. "So, quick question then. Scroll with a storage seal on it. Put a kunai in the storage seal. What do you have?"

"…A kunai in a storage seal, dumbass."

"Almost, bastard. A kunai in a storage seal, _on a scroll_. That bit's seriously important. Because what bit of paper's really going to hold the Kyuubi? No, the Yondaime had to put the Kyuubi seal on something more powerful – something alive, something with its own chakra coils – a human. A newborn baby, even, so that the baby's chakra coils could adjust to the seal without them bursting and making the baby die horribly and the Kyuubi come back later.

"There was only one baby born on that day. So – replace the kunai with the Kyuubi, replace the scroll with me, and…"

Naruto stopped, unzipped his jumpsuit, and bared his stomach – and the tattoo that faded into view.

"…this would be the seal."

His audience stared. He dropped his t-shirt and zipped his jumpsuit back up. Then he was glomped by the waitress, which served to get Sakura's brain working again.

Naruto carried the Kyuubi.

No. Naruto carried the seal that had the Kyuubi in it. The distinction was important, apparently.

'_Oh…_' '_**…Now THAT sucks.**_' '_Huh?_'

"The way Old Man Hokage told it," Naruto continued once he could breathe again, "it was a few days before he got the hat back. And by that time just about everyone in Konoha knew about it. Only… the civilians don't know squat about fuuinjutsu. They figured I was just the Kyuubi crammed into something that only looked human. Or I was possessed by the Kyuubi. Even the ones that know what a jinchuuriki is…well, we're not really well-liked anywhere. Old Man said other ninja villages turn them into mindless weapons a lot, because the seal usually lets them use some of the bijuu's powers. There's even a few that go nuts and actually let their demon out.

"So, the Sandaime made a Law – the one I told you about. Even if all the adults in the village already knew, at least their kids wouldn't find out." He snorted. "Not like that idea worked. They couldn't tell their children I was the Kyuubi or whatever they thought I was – that didn't stop them from telling them I was a bad kid, or a monster, or a fox brat or something like that…" Naruto trailed off, scowling. Then he realised there was still a bowl of ramen in front of him, and tore through that. "Another bowl, Sis!"

The waitress ruffled his hair on her way past. "Coming right up!"

"Thanks! So…" He turned back to his teammates. "You gonna eat that?"

Sakura and Sasuke jumped and quickly finished their cooling meals.

"Anyway… I was put in an orphanage, it kicked me out when I was five. So Old Man Hokage got me an apartment. Started at the Academy, got sabotaged a fair bit till Sensei Iruka took our class – I think Old Man might've had something to do with that. Started pranking people to get even, and for training later on – by now Sensei Iruka's pretty much the only one who can catch me unless I get careless."

Sasuke perked up slightly at that. "…Is that why you wear bright orange, too?"

"Hey! Orange is awesome, believe it!" Naruto pouted. Then mumbled, "That, and it was pretty much the only thing I could afford at the time… Whatever. But yeah, it's good for training too. Makes it harder to sneak around and get away after my pranks and stuff."

"So that means you'll wear something else now?"

Naruto looked like yelling for a second, then slumped. "…Yeah, probably. Dammit, I _liked_ this look… But at least I can afford it now." He shook himself, then stared hungrily at his third giant ramen bowl as it approached. "Most of the stores won't let me in, or jack the prices up when they see me coming – whether it's Kyuubi's fault or just 'cause of the pranks, doesn't really matter by now. Any other food stand, I'd be _Henge_'d as someone else right now if I didn't want the cook spitting in my food. But a couple months back, I was wearing an adult _Henge_ when someone started dropping enough hints about the Kyuubi while I was grocery shopping for me to go to the Hokage and find out what really happened."

Sakura and Sasuke mused over this while Naruto tucked into his next bowl. Eventually Sasuke stood up. "Are we done?"

Naruto paused. "Nope, there's still one more bit – and it's the really important one. It's about tomorrow's 'survival exercise'."

Sasuke sat back down, attention riveted on the blond jinchuuriki. "What do you know?"

Naruto finished his next mouthful. "Lotta things. Like, what's under Sensei Kakashi's hitai-ate – an implanted Sharingan." Sasuke jerked. "Kakashi's pretty much the only guy around to teach you about using it once you've got that funky doujutsu going. So, he was always going to be your sensei once you made genin.

"Also, there's a tradition when it comes to picking new teams – one team always has the top of the class, the top kunoichi and the dead-last in it. With you at the top of the class, and me being technically dead-last because of the medical condition, I was always going to end up in a team with you."

Sakura gaped at Naruto. Flat out gaped. "H-How did you know that?"

Naruto's countenance darkened. "Remember what I said about being sabotaged at the Academy?" He slid the half-full bowl of ramen out of the way and hunched over the counter, gesturing to Sakura and Sasuke to lean in and do the same.

They did so, warily.

"The whole 'medical condition' thing?" he whispered. "It's true, but that's not how I passed. How I _did_ pass is actually classified, and I can't tell you. I _can_ tell you though, that it was a merit promotion. I can also repeat the part of my introduction earlier about hating traitors, and remind you that Mizuki was absent this morning. Get it?"

Sakura reeled back. Mizuki was a _traitor_? A traitor had taught them?

"So, yeah." Naruto straightened, raising his voice back to normal as a frowning Sasuke leaned back. "Here's another tradition: like Kakashi said – when new teams are formed, the jounin-sensei actually has one last test for them and only a third of the genin pass it. What he didn't say is, _every team passes or fails together_. And if you fail it – then you're sent to train over at another Academy building for a while, and put in the admin pool when you're done there. They're the ones who file most of the paperwork and so on, though some of them become nurses at the hospital or courier-nin or what-have-you. Most of the civilians who passed yesterday's exam? That's where they'll end up.

"Us, though? We're different. And, again, it's because of Sasuke. The Uchiha were a powerful clan of powerful ninja with a powerful doujutsu, and the Council _really_ wants that clan back. But the way Old Man Hokage explained it, it's more likely to get passed along to your half-Uchiha kids if your Sharingan is activated first. That means you have to be on the front lines. And that means that, in theory at least, the three of us passing is almost guaranteed."

Sakura brightened at that. Knowing that was good to hear, after being told of the possibility of being sent back to the Academy and then shunted off behind a desk. There was no way she could have become a powerful kunoichi and win Sasuke's heart if _that_ happened.

Sasuke, though, was fuming.

"…In theory?"

Naruto grimaced. "Yeah. Old Man Hokage could've ruled that the _Bunshin_ part didn't count at all, and I wouldn't have been called dead-last – but doing it this way pretty much guaranteed that I'd be on a team which, _in theory_, will pass tomorrow's test. But the problem here is Kakashi Hatake.

"He doesn't want a team. He's never wanted a team. Three years running now, he's taken a team only to hit them with a test that none of them had been trained yet to spot, and failed them when they didn't get it. And… he doesn't like the Council either, though I didn't ask why. So he won't sabotage me and get me drummed back to the Academy for the hell of it – but then, he doesn't really have to. He could just give us the usual test, watch us fail it, and then send us off and not give a damn."

Sakura sat there, stunned speechless, with a rock forming in her stomach around the ramen she'd just eaten. Sasuke glared at the counter furiously.

"Not to worry, though!" Naruto piped up cheerfully, grinning happily at Sakura…

…and pulling out a very familiar-looking package.

"Because I have the cheet-sheet."

He dropped it on the counter in front of her and went back to his ramen.

Eventually Sasuke got fed up with waiting for Sakura to snap out of it, and tore the thing open. And there it was: two sheets of paper, each a copy of the other as she guessed when Sasuke-kun passed her the second sheet, written in that same scrawl as the two 'assignments' Sakura had already seen before.

—ox-oxo-xo—

Sakura was only peripherally aware of Sasuke leaving, after Naruto said something about staying behind to explain things to her. It was something or other about showing teamwork – everything else in her head had pretty much been blown to smithereens as Inner Sakura gibbered insanely in the background.

The 'mysterious benefactor' was _Naruto_.

_Naruto_ had done the research on the Uchiha and on eating properly.

_Naruto_, had just made a logical, well-structured oral presentation over the course of several minutes. (Though to be fair, Lord Hokage must have helped him with that one…)

And, she suddenly realised, _Naruto_ of all people was trying to get her together with Sasuke.

"What the hell…?" she mumbled as Sasuke passed out of sight.

A _clunk_ in front of her brought her attention to the cup of green tea that Ayame had just put there. She smiled more-or-less on automatic as Naruto began chowing down yet another bowl of vegetable ramen.

It occurred to her that this could be construed as a date in Naruto's mind. Then it occurred to her that he hadn't actually asked her for a date since… over a year ago. Ever since…even before she'd got the first package. '_Not a date, then. Even Naruto isn't _that_ stupid…_'

"D'you know," Naruto mumbled between mouthfuls of ramen, "we used to be friends once?"

Sakura blinked. "What?"

"When we were little kids, for a few days. I remember playing with you a couple times… Then your mother found you playing with me, and you went home. That was pretty much it."

She frowned. That sounded kinda familiar, but she couldn't place it…

"That kind of thing didn't happen too often, but it did sometimes. Usually their parents were right there, or they'd already been warned to stay away from me. But sometimes they didn't know yet. Or… well, Kiba's mother is pretty cool with me, or she was last time I saw her round. Kiba's just an asshole."

Inner Sakura cackled at the bad word. Sakura was too busy thinking about what Naruto had just said, which basically summed up to: Naruto had no friends, or at least he lost them when their parents found out. Just like _her_ parents had done, when they found out.

"So…" he mumbled, this time out of embarrassment. "I don't get a lot of that social stuff."

She couldn't help it – a hysterical giggle slipped out before she could clamp her mouth shut, which didn't stop Inner Sakura from rolling around laughing. Now _that_ was stating the obvious.

Naruto pretended not to notice, or maybe he just didn't. "I got no real family or friends or stuff like that. And Old Man Teuchi and Old Man Hokage are busy all the time, so they can't really help with that much. So I…" he sucked in a nervous breath and fiddled with his chopsticks, "I only learned about girl friends last year."

"…Huh? What's _that_ mean? You've been pestering me for years…!"

"I mean friends who are girls!" he shouted. Then slumped and went back to mumbling. "I wanted you to be my friend again, Sakura. But, I thought I could only be friends with a girl if she was my girlfriend. I, um, got them mixed up. And no-one ever told me."

And she was back to gaping at him again. Well, not Inner Sakura – _she_ was back to rolling around laughing.

"S-So, I was trying to get you to be my girlfriend, 'cause it's what I thought I was meant to do. I-I mean, bits of it felt kinda, eugh," he screwed up his face and poked his tongue out, "but lots of it sounded good, and I wanted to do it, 'cause you were really nice when you were my friend, and, um…"

After a few moments of stammering in which Naruto tried to find more words, he suddenly pushed his bowl aside, put down the chopsticks, and brought his head down on the counter with a sharp _tap_ from his hitai-ate. "I'm sorry for being such a fanboy and annoying you so much. I didn't know any better, Sakura, you've gotta believe me!" His voice started to shake, along with his shoulders. "A-and, I hope you get," a harder shake, "Bas— _Sasuke_ like you want…"

"I-I-I ahh I'll think about it," her mouth said, desperately clawing for time to deal with this latest bombshell.

Naruto's head rose from the counter, forearm flashing across his face so quickly she could have blinked and missed it. His eyes were a little wet and red, but everything else had been wiped away if it had ever been there. A strained grin was beamed at her.

"That's better than a no." The grin became a little more natural, though something was still bugging her about it – something about the way it looked so much like his normal grin even if the current example was so obviously a front… "Anyway, I'll see you and Sasuke tomorrow, we have a test to ace, believe it! And no breakfast, so don't forget to eat a big dinner!" He stood, picked up the bowl, slurped down the broth, dug out a fair-sized pile of money for the meal and took to his heels.

Sakura sat there, staring as he passed out of view.

"Sakura, wasn't it?"

"Huh? Umm, yeah…Ayame, right?"

Ayame was at the counter, smiling sweetly. Then her face went hard. "If you turn him down after all he's done for you, you will never eat here again." And back to the professionally sweet waitress. "Have a good afternoon!"

—ox-oxo-xo—

Sakura Haruno would later decide it was that statement from the waitress that tipped the scales. She'd been teetering between being awed at how far Naruto would go for a friend, and utterly creeped out at the lengths he'd gone to. But that fierce protectiveness, coming from someone who by all rights should have regarded Naruto as nothing but a good customer…?

_That_ was loyalty. Loyalty that Naruto reciprocated wholeheartedly. Loyalty that Naruto had somehow earned.

Loyalty on a scale _she'd_ never been given by anyone other than her parents…and Naruto. And one such act of loyalty had put her on the path of becoming a great kunoichi _and_ given her a realistic chance of capturing Sasuke's heart.

And if nothing else, Sakura reflected, he had potential – with the way she'd been doing her best to ignore him for years, she had certainly never realised that he was actually capable of researching something beyond whatever was required for a prank. Naruto Uzumaki sure as hell had a long way to go, true. But then and there, she decided, it was worth trying to help…especially if _he_ was going to help her get her Sasuke.

And hey, if she did a good enough job at it, who knew? Maybe her friend could even be the Hokage like he'd always wanted!

It must be remembered at this point that Sakura hadn't really had many friends before, either. But it was a start…

—ox-oxo-xo—

Meanwhile, Naruto got about twenty metres from Ichiraku's and had just mentally thanked his lucky stars for spending half the night practicing those speeches before being forced to come to a sudden halt. There was something rather strange in front of him.

(Across town, at the Hokage's tower, Konohamaru Sarutobi sneezed for some reason. Then he glared at his laughing Grandpa and wiped his nose on his big scarf. When he got his hands on that awesome hat, Grandpa would _rue the day_…)

"I-I-I-I'm s-sorry, Na-N-Naruto…" Hinata Hyuuga mumbled miserably from her prostrated position.

Naruto blinked. "Um, what for? Oh! That you, Hinata?"

It took nearly five minutes for Hinata to stammer her way through her explanation, though part of that delay was because Naruto picked her up from the dirt and she nearly passed out from the physical contact. But at the end of it, Naruto was somewhat enlightened.

What he'd managed to glean was that he, Naruto Uzumaki, the most unpopular kid in Konoha, _had a fangirl_. And he'd had one for _years_. And he'd never noticed…which was a point in Hinata's favour. Another point in her favour was the fact that the first he'd learnt of it was her apologising to him for being a fangirl, because she'd been stalking him with her Byakugan after her first team meeting and caught the tail-end of his own apology to Sakura for doing almost exactly the same thing (only with more confrontation and less stalking).

He thought this over for a while, absently holding onto Hinata's sleeve so she didn't run away, and ignoring the swaying and tomato-red complexion for the moment.

He didn't like fangirls, because they were annoying.

They were annoying, because they pestered you all the time.

Hinata hadn't pestered him. He hadn't had to ignore her. He hadn't even noticed her.

Of course, she _was_ kinda-sorta pestering him right now. But that was more-or-less unavoidable, and anyway the whole point of her 'annoying' him was to say sorry and promise not to do it again.

Now, how would the Bastard deal with this…? _'Heh, he'd probably go 'hn' and walk off.'_ Naruto, on the other hand, decided he didn't want to be a bastard like Sasuke. That, and now that he knew about friends that were girls, he didn't _think_ there was any problem having more than one of them…

Hinata flinched when he clapped his hands. "Okay! I've thought about it, and if you promise not to be a fangirl again, I'll let you be my friend, believe it! How's that sound?"

Like a gasp followed by a soft _thump_, as it turned out.

"Hinata? Hinata?" Naruto looked down at her prone form (smiling even while unconscious), nervously scratching the back of his head. "Huh… Wonder if that's a yes?" He looked up at the branch family Hyuuga (ANBU mask left at home, incidentally) who had run over when Hinata fainted, unsurprised because that did tend to happen when she fainted out on the street. "Was that a yes?"

The Hyuuga blinked. "…I believe so." He picked up his insensate clan member carefully. "Uzumaki…"

"Yeah?"

"…never mind. Good day." And with that the Hyuuga leapt for the rooftops, wondering how Lord Hiashi was going to take this news. '_I suppose he might react well,_' he thought, '_if for no other reason that she might start taking her training more seriously once she gets used to not being a fangirl…_'

A surmise that, once he retreated to the Clan compound and apprised Lord Hiashi of the issue, appeared largely correct from what little he could garner from the Clan Head's reaction. Associating with the Uzumaki, it seemed, was a far more forgivable offence than stalking and/or fantasising about the Uzumaki.

Social stigma was one thing, which stood a good chance of fading or being utilised to the Hyuuga's advantage in due course. Being a _fangirl_ was something else entirely, something which carried a far higher mortality rate.

And what kind of self-respecting father wouldn't worry about that?

* * *

**Ending A/N:** And that brings the main story to a close (because honestly – as much 'fun' as it might be rehashing/reworking the entire canon-plot in its entirety… I just don't wanna). Sakura and Hinata are friends with Naruto (at least theoretically) and all three as well as Ino have stopped being ignorant fans (or at least, are a little less ignorant). Naruto has a clue to getting his chakra control up to strength, and Team Seven have a leg-up to getting started on teamwork and already know about the Kyuubi. Asuma and Kurenai are paired up a little earlier, and Konohamaru hasn't met Naruto yet.

But…how much of the wider, more long-term plot does that actually _change_? Kakashi is still lazy. Sasuke and Neji still have sticks lodged up their arses. Gato is still a greasy little bastard. Orochimaru and Akatsuki are still plotting. Gaara is still nutsack. The villagers in general are still Uchiha-fans. And, as the disclaimers constantly state, Kishimoto still owns and masterminds Naruto. If I'd wanted to write about something changing the Naruto dynamic in any substantial fashion, I'd have written something far more drastic…and more hackneyed than this. Like Time-traveller!Naruto (or Sakura, Sasuke, Kakashi, etc. …or Iruka, how often does _he_ get sent back in time?) or Awesome Naru-pwnage Powers!Naruto or something. And why bother when I can just add a few omakes?

There will be another chapter or two posted for the omake, which will include an epilogue as well as the original 'ending', some divergences and some other stuff.

And yes, please review and I hope you've enjoyed reading this parodic Naruto fanfic.


	6. Epilogue: All Good Things Come…

**Disclaimer:** see first chapter. Also witness how I'm not suing you.

**Collective Summary:** And now, the omake!

* * *

**Fans Anonymous**

**Epilogue: All Good Things Come…**

**Summary:** In which Naruto considers time travel.

…**on pairings:** yes, I'm aware you might not like them. But then, omakes!

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

The twenty-one-year-old Nanadaime Hokage carefully read his way through the document. Normally this was something that Naruto would have fobbed off on one of the half-a-dozen _Kage Bunshin_ who he used to pre-vet and prioritise the reams of paperwork which crossed his desk. (Fun fact: _Kage Bunshin_ weren't allowed to sign in the Hokage's stead – but they _could_ make the comments, corrections and amendments and have the Boss sign off on them with just a glance-through.)

This, though, was different. For starters, his current audience would have been rather annoyed – which considering it was _their_ marriage contract, was perfectly understandable.

"…Right, all seems in order." Naruto stamped all three copies, filed two of them in their proper stacks and handed the third back to the happy husband. "Congratulations, guys!"

Jounin Sasuke Uchiha, who had fulfilled the terms of his probation some months ago and had since been very busy (Clan Head, jounin exam, dodging C.R.A.-enthusiasts on the council, etc.), sketched a shallow bow in the general direction of his old teammate. That and the lukewarm, "Thank you, Lord Hokage," was about the best that Naruto had come to expect from Sasuke.

Naruto flashed a grin at the Bastard (as he still sometimes called him in the privacy of his mind – for which he only ever apologised for when it slipped out aloud, given that several years as a defector made it justifiable in his opinion), noting with the aid of long experience the subtle tells that showed that Sasuke _was_ in fact happy. Which was a good thing for him, because Naruto would've thumped him otherwise.

"Thank you very much, Lord Hokage," the newly official Uchiha's wife echoed with the kind of genteel bow she only reserved for these formal occasions. Where Sasuke's happiness was understated if not obscured by the ten-foot steel rod lodged up his butt, Sakura Uchiha was _radiant_.

And what possible reason could she have _not_ to be happy? She was one of the most highly skilled medics in Konoha, and could have been ranked even higher than Jounin if not for her wish to avoid being swamped with the Hospital Director's load of paperwork. Her prowess in combat had grown to match Lady Tsunade's as well, with several high-level scalps to prove it. Her best friend (though Ino over at T&I came close nowadays, now that she was tentatively involved with Sai) was the Nanadaime Hokage, and had done it with her help and encouragement. Even her Inner voice had mostly dwindled to silence except for the occasional perverted mutterings, as her deeds matured to match the confidence she'd always strived to feel secure in.

And best of all: she had her Sasuke at last!

Sakura straightened and darted around the desk to glomp her leader and best friend. "I really mean it! Thank you _so much_ Naruto, for _everything_."

At almost every step, and at all the important ones since graduation from the academy, Naruto had been there for her in one form or another. From brainstorming ways with her for the three of them to advance their skills, to promising his help when Sasuke defected, to the letters he sent keeping her hopes up when they were all separated by their respective 'Sannin' trainers, to never giving up on Sasuke even when confronted by a wide range of pragmatic naysayers and assorted older and wiser heads – Naruto Uzumaki had been her rock, on which everything had been built. Now she knew, without the merest shadow of a doubt, why Ayame had been so adamant in her loyalty to that twelve-year-old loudmouth all those years ago – because in everything he did, and for all the hearts and minds he'd changed over the years, he _deserved_ every iota of it.

Simply put: he promised her Sasuke. And he delivered. Sure, she did her fair share to earn it, but _he delivered_. Enough said.

"…Air…!," Naruto croaked. Sakura stopped wool-gathering and ended the embrace with a final rib-cracking squeeze. As she stepped away, the pinkette noticed her husband cocking his eyebrow at her.

'_I'll explain later_,' she signed. He nodded. "So, Naruto… I got mine. How's Hinata doing on that front?" Sasuke discreetly rolled his eyes – not discreetly enough, because Sakura gently elbowed him in the ribs.

Naruto shrugged. "Negotiations are still going. They're happy with the new seal for the branch family, but the elders are still bitching over being branded themselves." He scoffed. "At this point, I'm seriously considering sending a few dozen clones over to _Harem no Jutsu_ the lot of them and then seal 'em all while they're unconscious from the blood loss…"

"Don't you dare," Sakura threatened, her fist clenching. Though the twitching of her lips gave the lie to her actual thoughts on the matter.

"Dumbass," Sasuke drawled, "if you want them dead, just kill them. Don't bother with trying to give them heart attacks."

Naruto pouted. "Fine. I _suppose_ I could just prank them till they give in…" His voice dropped to muttering. "Yeah…some orange dye, a bit of itching powder… hmm, maybe a remote-trigger seal release to make their clothes see-through… yeah, _Hiraishin_ seals to drop 'em in that marketplace…" the Hokage began giggling evilly and rubbing his hands like a cartoon supervillain.

Sasuke sighed loudly. Sakura facepalmed, saying, "Naruto, you're asking for Hinata's hand in marriage. Pranking isn't going to help with that."

Naruto blinked. "Huh? Oh, that. No, that's just on the side. No, they're wanting me to change my name to Namikaze."

Sasuke gave him an old-fashioned look. "…C.R.A.?"

Naruto returned the look, with surprising skill given his handicap. "C.R.A.. Honestly, where did Sensei Kakashi get off thinking I'd want a harem?"

Sakura grimaced, knowing the answer probably had to involve Jiraiya somewhere in it. She had only been able to thank her lucky stars that the Uchiha didn't qualify under the Clan Restoration Act, Sasuke being sole representative of only the one clan…and also, that Sasuke had shown not the least bit of interest in the 'exceptions' that various civilian members of the council had hinted at him getting if he wanted. Not that she'd been too surprised at that – the research that Naruto had done back in academy appeared to have panned out. Only with Sasuke's return to Konoha had he seriously begun to make avenues in the second of his goals, and power had indeed been one of the major components in his logic. With Ino having moved on, Hinata out of the running due to incompatible doujutsu and no other kunoichi younger than Hana Inuzuka available, Sakura's exalted status and strength had been but one more incentive to seal the deal in her favour.

That, and at least _some_ affection on his part had developed over the years. The silly romance novels she'd read as a girl had been wrong for the most part: the most enduring romances, it transpired, seemed to flourish from friendship.

Naruto, on the other hand, was potentially in something of a pickle. Nanadaime Hokage Naruto Uzumaki was safe for the most part, though somewhat annoyed whenever the council and his underlings brought it up. Naruto _Namikaze_ on the other hand, would be the legally acknowledged head of two clans even if the second one hadn't counted before his father became Yondaime, and thus come under the C.R.A.. Worse, that just meant precedent for the argument of adding the Senju title as well, which would mean having to find _three_ wives.

"You're not going to do it, are you?" Sakura asked. She didn't think he would, but… Well. It was hard sometimes, convincing herself that he wasn't a pervert. Surely after all the perverted teachers he'd trained under, _something_ had stuck…?

Naruto's eyes went distant for a moment – though, she was glad to notice, there was no sign of blood-loss or seat-adjustment. "…Nah. I got enough foreign politics to deal with already, no need to go adding more just 'cause the Hyuuga want Hinata's kids tucked away in their Clan house. Besides, I don't really want to do that to Hinata, you know?"

From the far longer desk along one of the walls of the Hokage office, one of the _Kage Bunshin_ working through paperwork piped up, "I bet Shion would probably go for it, though. She sent more photos of the twins over!" 'Naruto No. 3' (as delineated by the colour of his Hokage hat) frisbee'd the photos over to the Boss – only for Sakura to intercept and flick through them with the obligatory "Awwwwwww!" as Naruto pouted.

"Yeah, but that's only two," 'Naruto No. 4' retorted. "We'd still need a third. And most of the ones we know are leaders or heirs of their own villages. Shit-ton of extra politics right there."

"And it's that or fangirls," 'Naruto No. 2' added.

All seven Naruto's shuddered. As did Sasuke. And Sakura for that matter, who had in more recent years begun garnering fans of her own.

Naruto shook himself. "Alright, people, back to work. And don't you two have a honeymoon to get to?"

Sakura perked up. "Right! See you next week, Naruto!"

Sasuke followed her out, nodding to him with a small but genuine smile. "Yeah, see you Naruto."

Naruto took a breath and mentally prepared to dive back into the paperwork. Then he remembered that there was something missing, and a new _Kage Bunshin_ hared out the door.

"Hey!" his clone's voice echoed from outside. "Photos, please!"

A muttered, "oh right", and a few seconds later 'Naruto' came back in, dropped the photos on the Hokage's desk and dispelled. Naruto picked them up and admired his cute little tykes, reminding himself to get away for a visit when he could find the time… which given the massive backlog of paperwork from Godaime Tsunade's and Rokudaime Kakashi's reigns would probably be some time yet.

Then the brief memory of his most recent _Kage Bunshin_ sank in. Sasuke had been asking what she'd thanked him for, and Sakura had begun telling him the story of 'her mysterious benefactor'…

'_Well, what do you know…_' he realised. And to think he'd almost forgotten that.

The privacy seals went up just in time to muffle the sounds of Naruto falling out of his chair laughing at the final, and triumphant, conclusion of his Biggest Ever Prank.

"Operation: Hook Up Sasuke With A Fangirl – SUCCESS!"

Now if only he could somehow go back in time and tell that eleven-year-old Sasuke that he'd end up with one of his biggest fangirls… and get a photo. Because that'd just be _perfect_.

* * *

**Ending A/N:** Yes, yes, I know. Honestly I don't particularly like Naru/Hina pairings myself – but half the point of the fic was for the fangirls, albeit using different methods, to _win_. So for the 'official' epilogue at least, this was kinda unavoidable.

* * *

**Omake: The Mythical Flames Of YOUTH!**

**Summary:** In which Andrew and Jamie find cause to shake their heads in disapproval… or they would if they read this.

**Pairings:** none, really – it's only the chuunin exam.

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

It all started with that damn sunset genjutsu. It haunted him, it truly did.

And yet it somehow inspired him. Naruto was only glad later that he'd actually managed to learn how to dispel genjutsu.

Not that it had worked. No, that would have been too easy. People would have been dispelling them left and right if it were that easy. But for one Naruto Uzumaki, the fact that it couldn't be dispelled was suddenly very, very important.

For Naruto was the creator of a 'genjutsu' which was nothing so much as a mongrel ninjutsu cobbled together to resemble the original product – namely, his solid _Henge_. And if, as the 'Sunset of Youth' demonstrated, one could actually apply that to one's personal surroundings just by waving around ridiculous amounts of chakra…

—ox-oxo-xo—

Neji stared stunned as Naruto climbed to his feet without the least sign of disability. That should have put him down for the count – and it did nothing! What the hell was going on?

Naruto shook his head, pitying the poor deluded Hyuuga. "Neji, Neji, Neji you fool. I may be within the range of your divination…"

Suddenly the blond grinned.

"…But that just means that _you_, are within the field of my REALITY!"

And Naruto ran over and kicked Neji in the nuts. Which shouldn't have been possible, as agreed with by the watching crowd if the way their collective jaws hit the stands was any indication.

And Neji fell over and curled up in a foetal ball, tears streaming down his face as he whimpered for his mommy. Which _really_ shouldn't have been possible, as his mother had been dead for years and a good proportion of the audience either knew this or had gathered it from Neji's earlier diatribe against his family.

Genma shook himself. "Winner by TKO: Naruto Uzumaki!"

And the crowd exploded with applause as Naruto accepted the adulation with a big cheesy grin. Which, okay, there was just NO WAY any of that should be possible…

Among a select few personages present, eyes snapped open as wide as they could go, jaws gaped open once more, and among a few, nervous sweatdrops began to flow.

Because surely in any sane reality, none of this could have ever happened. And yet (a number of attempts at genjutsu-disruption later) it manifestly had. Which logically meant that local reality had been changed…warped…

…rejected and _substituted_ with his own.

…Which, given the events of the next few years, actually explained quite a lot.

* * *

**Ending A/N:** Yeah, probably been done. Meh.

* * *

**Omake: _That's_ not a perverted jutsu…**

**Summary:** In which _Tajuu Kage Bunshin_ and solid _Henge_ are abused. Followed by a sizeable portion of Konoha. Unabashed crack. (For **Suzululu4moe**…kinda.)

**Pairings:** …no comment? Okay, _one_ comment: let's just say Sasuke has returned and is on probation…

**Note:** dropping the Japanese tech-names for this one. You'll see why.

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

"For the last time, I'm not a pervert!" Naruto growled, increasingly annoyed at the intransigence of the four kunoichi confronting him.

"Two words, idiot: _Sexy Technique_!" Ino snapped back, enjoying the chance for a good loud argument.

"Two more words, Naruto: _Harem Technique_," Kurenai added – out of disgust for perverts if she was asked, and absolutely nothing to do with the lack of praise/fame for her own admittedly more…private techniques to achieve the same general result.

"Yeah, I gotta admit, brat – it's hard not to label you as a pervert when you come up with jutsu like that," Tsunade noted, highly amused at the whole spectacle.

Sakura watched as her friend's face darkened further and further with each nail in the metaphorical coffin. She compared it to previous patterns of behaviour, specifically the ones that tended to happen when he was mercilessly teased and ridiculed, especially what she could remember back from the academy. And upon reaching her conclusion, she knew what she had to do next.

Step One: Make a single _Shadow Clone_. She had enough reserves for that, at least.  
Followed immediately by Step Two: Get the _hell_ off the street and barricaded somewhere safe before Naruto lost his temper – because Naruto had two usual responses when he lost his temper, and this situation only fit one of them.

The _Shadow Clone_ remained simply to see a) when it was safe, and b) whether the incoming barrage of pranks would at least be funny.

The fact that Inner Sakura almost instantly jacked control of the clone was not planned by Sakura, who herself fled as fast as she could without taxing her halved chakra reserves. But she would be thanking herself later anyway.

Ino, Kurenai and Tsunade blinked at the dust cloud that marked the spot where Sakura had been standing. Then they blinked again as 'Sakura' appeared in the dust. Only, they were pretty sure Sakura wouldn't be grinning and mumbling, "Go on, do it, _do it_, you know you wanna, do it do it do it doitdoitdoitdoit…!" while staring directly at the fuming blond.

They whirled to stare at Naruto…who flashed an evil, evil grin for a single moment before his eyes opened and his features smoothed out.

"All right, you asked for it."

The three kunoichi felt an unexplained shiver of fear run up their spines. So did the fourth kunoichi from over three hundred yards already; she declined to worry about this and just picked up the damn pace!

"Three points for you all," Naruto clearly stated.

"The first point, is that the _Sexy Technique_ and _Harem Technique_ are ANTI-pervert techniques, which are used to overwhelm and take out perverts by playing on their weakness. Observe."

One _Multi-Shadow Clone Technique_ and one _Harem Technique_ followed in the space of less than two seconds. The knockout of literally dozens of men and boys in the vicinity, with many a gush of blood from the nostrils of those afflicted, resulted almost instantly.

The literally dozens of women and girls who had stopped in the street to watch the show were unsurprisingly unimpressed with this.

"…Of course it helps that almost all men are perverts.

"The second point, is that it's not just most _men_ who are perverted. No, women just tend to be perverted about different things. For example…"

And before anyone could stop him, out came another bevy of clones. Followed by another technique, which was really the logical conclusion if one thought about it.

Not that many were. One _Man-Harem Technique_, complete with a skimpily-clad 'cast' of such well-known and drooled-over characters as Sasuke Uchiha, Neji Hyuuga and Kakashi Hatake (minus mask) – not to mention a more adult figure of Naruto without the whiskers that looked startlingly like Minato Namikaze – tended to do that to a crowd of ladies. The complimentary oil-drenchings and acts of gratuitous shounen-ai lime could be considered overkill in this case.

The considered response on the audience's part was a great squeal of glee from the assorted fanclub members, Sasuke (who had been passing on the other side of the street) throwing on a _Transformation_ and legging it while he could, a massive outbreak of blushing-and-fainting, etc.…

…And Sakura's _Shadow Clone_ shouting, "Banzai!" and leaping with abandon into a quickly developing threesome of two 'Sasuke's and a 'Kakashi'. This merely spurred on the rest of the various fangirls, and within the space of twenty seconds there were knots of writhing flesh dotting the whole street.

In the eye of the storm, a deceptive calm settled over the last three people who hadn't succumbed in one fashion or another to the onslaught.

Kurenai was glaring at Naruto like she was trying to murder him with her eyes – and no, her knees _weren't_ shaking, why do you ask?

Tsunade somehow managed to stop laughing long enough to wheeze, "Would _not_ be wanting the memory backlash from _this_ one, brat…"

Naruto shrugged, "From this many clones Granny, I wouldn't get anything anyway."

Eventually Tsunade got herself under control as Kurenai spoke through gritted teeth, "What the _hell_ do you think…"

"A lot of women like gay porn just as much as men like lesbian porn. That makes them perverts, which makes them just as weak as the men when it comes to my ANTI-pervert techniques – in this case, the _Smexy Technique_ and the _Man-Harem Technique_."

Her hands clenched with the effort of not forming handsigns (if only because Tsunade was still laughing and would probably stop her), Kurenai retorted, "You're not convincing me that all…all THIS, isn't perverted."

And then Naruto's evil grin returned.

"That's because you're missing the _third_ point."

Kurenai and Tsunade stared at Naruto, wondering where he could possibly be going with this.

"You know, the third point's really the big one. See, I know I came up with the _Sexy_ and _Harem Technique_s before I met them, but this is all about Pervy-Sage being my sensei, isn't it?" He paused for a second. There was no argument.

"Well, he _tried_ to make me a pervert. He also tried to convince me that I was _already_ a pervert. So the two of us had the same arguments as the ones we're having right now.

"After a while I came up with an explanation for why my techniques aren't perverted. And it's this: a perverted technique does perverted things to the victim _so that the user gets off on it_; an anti-pervert technique does perverted things to _the user_ – or at least makes the victims _think_ that perverted things are going to happen to them – _so that the user distracts and takes out the victim_."

Tsunade scrutinised the tableau surrounding them. "Nope, I'm pretty sure your clones are getting off on this…" She looked closer. "At least the male ones, anyway. Huh…"

Actually, she noticed, most of the assorted _Shadow Clones_ were pretty tame about things. The _Sexy_ ones would kiss and rub each other, and intermittently dogpile one man or another starting to come around, thus keeping them out of the loop. Same for the _Smexy_ ones, except for some of the bolder fangirls, who tended to be rather grope-y and _what the hell was Sakura doing!—_ oh wait, she was a _Shadow Clone_. The two 'Sasuke's smirked while the 'Kakashi' eyesmiled before dispelling.

Naruto surreptitiously wiped away a drop of blood from his nose while Tsunade and Kurenai were staring at where the pinkette had been. Memories from dozens upon dozens of clones? no. Memories from three?

(Meanwhile, Sakura collapsed in a geyser of blood. Though, Inner Sakura was at least nice enough to let Sakura lock herself in her room before inundating her outer half with the memories of _that_ particular encounter…)

"Yes," Naruto rebutted, "but _I'm not_."

Kurenai and Tsunade turned back round to Naruto.

"…Yeah, Pervy-Sage didn't believe it any more than you did. So I proved him wrong. That evil grin widened. "Wanna know how?"

At this point, and at last beginning to understand why the real Sakura had scarpered when she had the chance, they really didn't.

"I made another technique. If you wanna get picky about it, this one isn't really any more perverted than the other ones – well, unless I only use the one anyway, no it just LOOKS really bad. Not that I've ever used it except to show it to Jiraiya and show him the difference.

"Today, though?"

Naruto's grin widened even further, eyes glittering with malicious amusement and vindication.

"…As I said: you asked for it."

One more _Multi-Shadow Clone Technique_, this one generating about two hundred clones. Half of them dashed for any possible exits, to block them off from impressionable young people and the elderly.

The other half?

"_Ultimate Perverted Technique: Rise of the Shikima!_"

…Yeah. Just, lots and lots of tentacles.

And Tsunade dashing the _hell_ back to her office…only to find a single 'Naruto'… who gave her a backrub. (Nothing suspect there – Naruto had quickly figured out after returning from his training trip that backrubs for the well-endowed Hokage were a very good way to apologise for when he'd gone too far.)

And Kurenai dashing the _hell_ back home…but we'll get back to her later.

And every last one of the men and boys screaming and hightailing it outta there. Most of them weren't even strictly conscious when they did it. (Although, some few of them _did_ find themselves dressed in green spandex when they woke up…)

And two-thirds of the women and girls _also_ screaming and fleeing.

The others were simply enjoying themselves way too much to mind, and were thus dragged off into alleys and other out-of-the-way places to continue.

Meanwhile, Naruto hared off to the mission office. He could do with a good long solo A-Rank mission right about now…

—ox-oxo-xo—

It was about two weeks later that Naruto came back, to find that the collective reaction to his perverted prank was…

What prank? Nothing happened. You hear me? NOTHING HAPPENED…!

(It helped that all bodily traces were removed when the clones dispelled. It also helped that the various fangirls all woke up in their beds. And it _especially_ helped that Hokage Kakashi Hatake had been kind enough to appropriate and censor any footage of the…event.

Just don't ask what exactly happened to that footage.)

Although… rumours did begin to circulate a while afterwards. Rumours of an exclusive 'escort service', which catered to 'certain tastes'… and Naruto did happen to come into a certain amount of extra income…and a tripling of his fanclub membership…

No relation, I'm sure. After all: NOTHING HAPPENED…!

—ox-oxo-xo—

Oh, and as for Kurenai?

She made a cup of tea, and sat down on her couch, and tried her utmost not to curl up in a foetal ball and cry for her mommy.

"Oh, and Kurenei?"

And looked up to find another Naruto clone standing across the room.

"I kinda lied about only having three points. Here's the other one—"

The dazed genjutsu specialist absently noted that Naruto had used the phrase '_Man-Sexy Technique_' instead of '_Smexy Technique_' for some reason, through the sudden rush of blood to her head.

"…I'm on a horse," Naruto finished in a smooth baritone with a come-hither smirk.

Kurenai fainted with the traditional fountain-spray of blood from the nasal passages, victim of the _Sexy Technique_'s true equivalent when it came to said response.

* * *

**Ending A/N:** That's right, I went there. I suppose this could have happened as part of the main narrative, except of course for the fact that IT DIDN'T…!  
(I'm…_mostly_ sure that the term 'smexy' doesn't specifically have anything to do with homosexuality, but that's how I decided to use it.)

* * *

**Omake: "…Nope, she wasn't kidding."**

**Summary:** Where did Shion's kids come from, anyway?

**Pairings:** none yet, apart from the obvious.

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

It took about half-an-hour after they left behind Demon Country's priestess behind for Naruto to calm down and think rationally about Shion's 'joking' offer. It took another five minutes of considered thought for him to go over all the factors involved – notably, the one where he might well have disappointed, and possibly offended, a young woman who he liked to think could count as one of his precious people.

But…it was too late to go check, wasn't it?

It took only about ten seconds, with his libido (thankfully not weighed down with a misplaced fixation on Sakura) weighing in to lend urgency, for him to work around that problem.

Fortunately he'd fallen behind the others by a couple yards in his ruminations, so no-one noticed his silently generated _Kage Bunshin_ pulling a smokeless _Kawarimi_ with him from fifty yards back. Or if they did, at least they didn't say anything.

—ox-oxo-xo—

Naruto snuck back to camp very early the next morning, long before anyone woke up. …Well, anyone but Kakashi, who was on watch. But he only noted his return with a eyesmile and a thumbs-up before returning to his _Icha Icha_.

After the events of that night, Naruto for once couldn't argue with his Sensei's perverted ways.

…

Meanwhile, a yawning, tousled Shion gingerly rose to greet the dawn, and another new day, satisfied that her latest vision had come to pass.

Naruto had indeed died…a 'little death', anyway. Actually, he'd 'died' three times. And she'd died at least seven…

Best of all, in nine months her heirs would join her to see the sun's rise, and she couldn't have asked for a more deserving sire.

—ox-oxo-xo—

It was a year later that Naruto received a letter from Demon Country, the contents of which made him go, "Awwwwwww…!" The somewhat out-of-character reaction to his delivery had Sakura looking over.

Naruto looked up from the photos of his newborn twin girls, and narrowly avoided the impulsive urge to take to his heels. Sadly, Sakura caught his hesitation and started stalking over.

Then he remembered the chain of logic that had sent him back to Demon Country a year ago, and decided to explain. After all, it couldn't be _that_ perverted – he'd thought it out and everything!

"Oh! Um… remember Shion? The high priestess with the visions from Demon Country? Well, I didn't want to disappoint her and all and I didn't know whether she'd really been kidding about needing an heir or if she was just saying so to hide her feelings being hurt, so I went back to ask, and…"

By the look on his pinkette teammate's face, this was not helping in the least.

Desperately he lunged on the only opportunity he had left to avoid a super-powered beating.

He showed her the photos.

"Awwwwwww…!"

As Sakura cooed over the photos, Naruto very, _very_ quietly sighed. '_Crisis averted…_'

…For about half-an-hour at least, until she thumped him for not saying anything about it.

* * *

**Ending A/N:** Yes, all straightforward and stuff. Again, meh – it just seemed to fit if you removed Naruto's Sakura-obsession from the mix, because I highly doubt Shion _was_ kidding.  
I don't know of the top of my head whether Kakashi was there in canon or not. So I just put him there anyway.

* * *

**Alternate Ending: Friendship Wins Out**

**Summary:** In which Sakura rejects time-travel.

**Pairings:** For those reviewers who preferred a Naru/Saku slant, here it is.

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

The twenty-one-year-old Nanadaime Hokage carefully read his way through the document. Normally this was something that Naruto would have fobbed off on one of the half-a-dozen _Kage Bunshin_ who he used to pre-vet and prioritise the reams of paperwork which crossed his desk.

This, though, was different. For starters, this particular document concerned the up-and-coming Chuunin Exams, to be held once more in Konoha in two months. And, just as importantly, it detailed the final agreement necessary for the recently appointed Oyabun of Otogakure to attend the Third Exam in person.

"…Right, all seems in order." Naruto stamped all three copies, filed one of them in its proper stack, sent an ANBU to shuttle the second down to the messenger birds, and sat there grinning with satisfaction down at the third. "And about damn time!"

"Well, _you're_ in a good mood," Sakura noted from the door as she entered with a smile. "What brought this on?"

"Sasuke's visiting for the Chuunin Exams." Naruto grinned proudly. "I can finally keep my Promise to you."

Sakura blinked in surprise, then chuckled fondly, shaking her head. "Naruto, I've told you lots of times you didn't have to keep that stupid promise." That didn't stop her from walking around the Hokage's desk and laying a heated kiss on her husband of nearly two years. "Congratulations, though. I knew you could do it…"

Nowadays, that statement wasn't a lie, either. Sakura Uzumaki had seen too many people, allies and enemies alike, fundamentally altered through Naruto's efforts over the years to count him out when it came to changing someone's mind – even if he hadn't meant to do it in the first place.

Though, she wouldn't have changed her initial lack of belief in Naruto for the world. Because, ironically enough, it was that which had left the door open for her feelings for one Naruto Uzumaki to change in turn.

Because that change in herself had led directly to her own happiness.

And what possible reason could she have _not_ to be happy? She was one of the most highly skilled medics in Konoha, and had advanced all the way to the post of Hospital Director (and even better, had arranged with Naruto's _Kage Bunshin_ to vet a significant portion of the attendant paperwork!). Her prowess in combat had grown to match Lady Tsunade's as well, with several high-level scalps to prove it. Her relationship with her best (female) friend Ino had been fixed long ago – removing the defecting Sasuke from the picture had helped with this immensely, as had the T&I-based jounin's relationship with Sai. Even her Inner voice had mostly dwindled to silence except for the occasional perverted mutterings, as her deeds matured to match the confidence she'd always strived to feel secure in.

And best of all: she had her Naruto!

At almost every step, and at all the important ones since graduation from the academy, Naruto had been there for her in one form or another. From brainstorming ways with her for the three of them to advance their skills, to promising his help when Sasuke defected, to the letters he sent keeping her spirits up when they were all separated by their respective 'Sannin' trainers – Naruto Uzumaki had been her rock, on which everything had been built.

Sakura had later decided that it was those letters, the ones ferried back-and-forth by his toad summons (and occasionally her slug summons, once she'd signed her shishou's contract and developed the chakra reserves to fit) despite Lord Jiraiya's oft-stated misgivings about security concerns, which had been the catalyst. It didn't take much effort for her to read between the hastily scribbled lines of her friend's missives and realise that, without Sakura herself's affections as the unstated reward for beating Sasuke in Naruto's eyes, the rivalry and friendship between her two younger teammates had been something…_less_ than others had assumed.

Even less than _she'd_ assumed, and she should have known better.

After all, it had been Naruto who had hit on the idea of playing up his rivalry with Sasuke in all their dealings as a spur to the Uchiha's pride, serving as an incentive for him to keep advancing ahead of the 'dead last'. Yet somehow, both Sasuke and to a lesser extent Sakura had managed to forget that the 'dead last' appellation had been nothing but a convenient artifice on the Sandaime's part to get him on their team and passed without trouble. And as for Naruto, any grudge on his part towards the first-ranked member of their graduating class was largely laid to rest when he defeated Neji at their Chuunin Exam. So by the time that Sasuke had goaded a reluctant Naruto to their truncated battle on the hospital rooftop, Sasuke's rivalry with Naruto was…actually, pretty much non-existent on Naruto's part.

This, Sakura slowly came to realise over the first two years of Naruto's training trip with Lord Jiraiya. And so, she had no choice in the end but to conclude: the only true reason for Naruto to be expending so much time and effort in bringing Sasuke back to Konoha…was his 'promise of a lifetime' to her.

It was then that she knew, without the merest shadow of a doubt, why Ayame had been so adamant in her loyalty to that twelve-year-old loudmouth – because in everything he did, and for all the hearts and minds he'd changed over the years, he _deserved_ every iota of it.

And it was _also_ then that she truly began to let herself wonder: did _Sasuke_ deserve it?

In her last letter before Naruto was set to return, the then-Chuunin medic had made the plunge, and rescinded her request. More, she'd considered the phrasing with great care, given everything she knew and remembered about Naruto and his mindset…

**…**

_**I know you'll want to keep your promise anyway, no matter what I tell you. You never break your promises, it's not your way – I know that. But please, at least remember this:  
If I had to lose you to get Sasuke back, then I would rather keep you and never see him again.**_

_**I mean it.  
**_**Please****_, be careful…okay Naruto?_**

**…**

To this day, Naruto still kept that letter near his heart, his memento of the moment that no matter what else happened with Sasuke, he had finally gained Sakura's unconditional care…and for another, more obvious reason later on.

Though she knew full well that she could probably renew her request to him at any time she liked, Sakura had nonetheless been nervous at his reaction. But any misgivings Sakura had held over that fled the moment a tall, lithe blond youth walked into Lady Tsunade's office and wrapped his arms around her. Honestly, after she was done basking in the feeling of his exuberant greeting and her best friend's return and the lovely hard muscle she was being pressed against, Sakura was just glad that she'd sent that letter _before_ she laid eyes on him again – because otherwise she'd have always been more than a little guilty about the sheer rush of _need_ afterwards, if she hadn't formally picked Naruto over Sasuke on _some_ level.

As it was, Inner Sakura had come pretty close to simultaneously bursting her metaphorical eardrums _and_ the blood vessels of her sinuses with her reaction to the shockingly sexy man that Naruto had suddenly become. And as much as Naruto had tried to pretend nothing of the sort, he'd had much the same reaction.

A date had quickly followed…if by 'date', one meant dinner with her parents – who after a few years of Sakura working on them, had acted with surprising decorum to the 'demon brat's' presence at their table, and on a number of evenings thereafter (restaurants still being largely something for Naruto to avoid until his reputation rose following Pein's attack). Though it wasn't until some time later that she understood Mebuki's mutter of, "Nice work, Sakura," as she headed up to bed that first night.

In retrospect, Sakura had felt a little silly about not spotting it herself. After all, the Yondaime's face was _sticking out the damn mountain_…

"…Saaakura…" Feeling her husband's fingers ghosting up her arms, Sakura stopped wool-gathering and kissed him again. She finally straightened up, then reconsidered and pulled Naruto's chair out far enough to plop down on his lap.

"So, he's coming for the Third Exam?"

"Yeah, the day before and after. With Gaara and Mei coming too, the council can't really bitch too much about that…" Naruto shrugged. "Oh, apparently he's bringing Karin and Guren as part of his bodyguard too."

On the Otogakure front, Naruto's research all those years ago had seemingly panned out once again. After the last living Uchiha had prised the self-proclaimed 'Otokage' position out of Orochimaru's cold dead fingers, Sasuke had finally begun looking into the restoration of his Clan – and indeed had looked to the strongest kunoichi he could find. The Oto Jounin's Crystal Release bloodline had proved to be one hell of an incentive. (How _Karin Uzumaki_ fit into that, Konoha's intelligence services were still trying to figure out, though Sakura theorised that her scientific expertise probably came into it somewhere.)

"Anyway – what brings you down here?" He paused. "Not that I don't enjoy you here, of course! But, you know…"

"Oh right!" she exclaimed, relenting on the joking glower she'd begun aiming at Naruto. "Hinata Hyuuga just gave birth. His name is Shizashi Hyuuga," Sakura dug out the attendant birth certificate, rattling off weight, length and time of birth and labour, "no problems detected with his health, Lord Hokage. And Neji says the new seal took well too, so no need for worries there either."

"Nice," the young Hokage replied with a smile, attempting to memorise the pointless details in case Hinata or Shino's families and friends quizzed him about it, "I'll send out their baby-bonus with my congratulations… Actually," he reconsidered, "do you reckon they're up for visitors yet?"

"Probably not, Naruto," Sakura conceded. "Hinata's fine, but she still needs a _little_ while to recover. Although, Shino would probably appreciate the rescue from Kiba…"

Naruto winced. Kiba's crush on Hinata had been a fairly shallow thing, fading quickly after he saw the writing on the wall. (After Hinata's initial fixation on Naruto, her burgeoning relationship with Shino had thrown _all_ of them for a loop – until the markedly more secure kunoichi explained that it was Naruto's never-say-die demeanour and general confidence in himself that had drawn her to him, _not_ how loud he was.) Getting over his disappointment, however, did not stop Kiba from extracting some small measure of revenge on the Aburame – specifically, by dragging him off to rowdy parties at any opportunity in the name of camaraderie.

"…I'll get right on that," Naruto vowed.

And so he did…with a _Kage Bunshin_.

…

Shino examined the letter which had just been delivered. "Lord Hokage has directed me to matters elsewhere. Why, you ask? Because—"

The rest of his explanation, assuming charitably that there was one in the first place, was lost in the dust cloud kicked up by his exit.

Kiba slumped. "Aoww." Then he noticed the letter, which Shino had left behind in his haste.

It read:

_**Run, Shino – for the love of kami RUN!**_

_**P.S.: Congratulations. Sakura says hi.**_

Shino's lips twitched upwards precisely 1/16th of an inch as he heard Kiba's cries of vengeance, with Akamaru's barks for accompaniment.

…

Naruto shifted uncomfortably under Sakura's old-fashioned look. "What? It was that or get up – and I _like_ you here."

'Naruto No. 6' looked up from the document he was reading. "I bet you'd like her even better if _neither_ of you were here, Boss. Don't you still have work to do?"

Naruto and Sakura blinked at 'Naruto No. 6'. Then said _Kage Bunshin_ exploded in a cloud of chakra as a senbon from Sakura's hand buried itself in the wall behind the ex-clone's head, the _thud_ of its impact drowned out by the sound of a _Shunshin_ and another _poof_ of cloud, which cleared to reveal another two _Kage Bunshin_ and no trace of Naruto or Sakura.

Fourteen rounds of Jan-Ken-Pon later, one 'Naruto' replaced the ill-fated clone's spot and started on his paperwork, while the winner took the Hokage's chair.

Of course, he wasn't really meant to be signing anything, so he unsealed a bowl of emergency ramen from the top drawer and worked on _that_ instead.

"Bastard," the new 'Naruto No.6' muttered. 'Hokage Naruto' shrugged it off – after all, there were more ramen-flavoured, and thus more important things to think about. '_Yep, it's good to be Hokage…_'

* * *

**Ending A/N:** Ahhh, that's better. Here's the flipside to the whole 'fangirls win' theme of the epilogue – just as fangirls can have success by changing their methods, so can fangirls grow up and change their minds in turn to suit those methods and aim for better targets.  
I'm fully aware that the Hina/Shino part of that is a little vague (not to say shaky) – and once again, meh. (For the kid and clan(s) succession, I figure the Hyuuga get the first-born while the Aburame get any following, with either Hanabi or Neji's first-born the next in succession for the Hyuuga.)

* * *

**Chapter Ending A/N:** Next up, as promised, the Alternative Plot/Omake Ending (because if nothing else, Sasuke foreboding of Chapter 3 seems to have unaccountably come to nothing yet…and we can't have that!). Once again, I'd love to hear what you thought of this.


	7. Omakelogue: Revenge Is Best Served…

**Disclaimer:** Oh, how I wish… see first chapter.

**Summary:** The way things could've gone… Naruto's brilliant idea is taken to its next logical step, Sakura and Ino become enthusiastic converts to the ways of Prank-fu, and Sasuke is molested…a _lot_. It's crack-time…

* * *

**Omake/Original Story: Revenge Is Best Served…**

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

[Excerpt from Chapter 2.5: Screwing It Twice…]

_Naruto's eyes, which had been drifting drowsily shut, slammed wide open._

_That could work! And Naruto could even help! It was _perfect_!_

_And even better, it would count as a _truly_ awesome prank on Sasuke…_

…

And then, as if smacked upside the head by yet another bolt of artistic licence…ahem, _inspiration_, an even BETTER idea occurred to the young prankster.

Well…for a given value of 'better', anyway.

—ox-oxo-xo—

Naruto's new and considerably more diabolical scheme was based on the idea of satisfying all three imperatives: to get Sakura stronger and get her Sasuke like she wanted; to get Sasuke stronger quicker like he wanted so he'd beat his brother and accept Sakura sooner; and, to make it all into an awesome prank.

Well. Mostly the 'prank' part, if he really wanted to be honest about it.

First, was nailing the _Henge_, and particularly the not-as-perverted version of what would come to be called the _Oroike Henge_. Through herculean (if not Gai Maito-like) efforts of hard work and focus, he managed it within the month. More research was then plunged into rope techniques, specifically in how to defeat them – largely by watching chuunin he ambushed in his pranks, though he did do a bit of reading on the topic.

The next bit made him a bit sick to the stomach, but was all worth it for the pranking potential: 'Hanako Dosukoi', a mysterious honey-blonde bombshell a couple years older than Sasuke's classmates, joined the Sasuke Uchiha Fanclub. Getting in on the stalking rota was easy enough once 'her' expertise in stealth was demonstrated with the aid of a couple illicit photos.

Using 'Hanako' to observe the Uchiha in his natural habitat and divine his weaknesses, Naruto quickly gathered enough information to unleash his master plan over the summer.

—ox-oxo-xo—

Abducting Sasuke Uchiha was child's play. Some traps, some rope, a blindfold and gag, and a sedative-covered senbon later (courtesy of a quick trip to a nearby forest), and the Bastard was all trussed up and ready for his 'guest'.

Abducting Sakura Haruno was if anything, even easier. A simple matter of waiting for her to take her place on the rota.

After the trio were in place (in the Uchiha's bedroom, in fact), 'Hanako' took off Sakura's blindfold so that the first thing she laid eyes on was a bound, helpless and groggy Sasuke Uchiha. Sakura's captor began explaining 'her' idea – very, _very_ quietly.

"Okay, I got a little confession to make – I don't _really_ want Sasuke. I just thought it'd be fun to tie him up and watch him make out with a mystery girl."

Sakura turned to stare wide-eyed at Hanako. The drool that began leaking through the gag did not go unnoticed.

"No, really. You better count yourself lucky though, Sakura, 'cause you're the very first one to try him out. So, here's the rules if you want to be the one who gets his first kiss: you can't let him know who you are, and you can't let him go – I'll do that when you're done and we leave. And we might get in trouble if he knows who to blame this on, so he _must not_ hear our voices. Do you understand?"

Sakura thought that over for a couple seconds. Then she nodded so fast her head blurred.

Sakura was quickly untied, and proceeded to make out with her helpless Sasuke. Hanako then stepped in briefly to cover the prisoner's mouth and nose for a short while as a silent threat, and Sakura reaped the reward of the opportunity to slip in a little tongue for her next go. Meanwhile, Hanako took a photo on her pilfered polaroid for each kiss.

A quick re-dose of the drugged senbon, a few untied knots, and the giggling girls were gone before Sasuke could awaken and work himself free.

…

Of course, it would have been a shame for all that research he'd done on the Uchiha Clan to go to waste. So a little later on in Sakura's room, the two of them went over what 'Hanako' had compiled.

The inevitable result had Sakura very, very worried. Fortunately, Hanako presented a solution – a solution, no less, which prominently featured Sakura herself in a prominent role.

As her logic ran, the Uchiha missing-nin was a very powerful adversary – had to have been, to have wiped out his entire clan. So it would be a very long time before Sasuke could realistically hope to take him on head-to-head. The solution, Hanako said, would be to tutor him in stealth, traps and general sneakiness – by example, to prove their worth in going about his vengeance like a _ninja_ should. That way, Sasuke would have a chance to take out his brother earlier, so that he would be able to start thinking about having a family earlier.

And so, Sakura quickly realised without Hanako having to point it out, Sasuke would be able to start thinking about having a family with _her_ earlier. With the added bonus that with her new best friend's help and more… _formal_ tutoring, Sakura herself would more quickly begin picking up skills to make her a better and stronger kunoichi, and so make her a better candidate for Sasuke's love in the future.

Which, of course, led to one important question for the kunoichi-in-training, who remembered a fair amount of bullying in her youth:

"But… why did you choose _me_ for this? Why not Ino, or one of the other girls?"

Hanako shrugged self-consciously, bracing 'herself' for the answer.

"As an apology, Sakura. 'Cause… I wanted you to be my friend."

"…What?"

Blushing, Hanako explained, "I'm an orphan, you see, and I live alone so I've got no parents or anyone to tell me things. And one thing I mixed up was…" she hesitated. "Um… promise not to hit me?" Hanako whispered.

Sakura nodded warily.

'Hanako' dropped the _Oroike Henge_.

Sakura sat on her bed, flabbergasted… which, Naruto figured, gave him about five seconds before she snapped out of it. At which point she _might_ keep her promise, but he kinda doubted that. So time to start talking.

"I mixed up the difference between a girlfriend and a girl who's a friend. That's why I kept pestering you for dates, 'cause I wanted you to be my friend but I thought you'd have to be my girlfriend for that. And then…"

Naruto paused to take in a quick breath. Sakura still looked a little shocked, but at least hadn't given him brain damage yet.

"Well, a couple months back, I found out the difference – and then I realised that I was actually being a fanboy like Sasuke's annoying fangirls, only I was doing it over you. And I wouldn't inflict fangirls on anyone I liked. So I figured that… well, I _really_ owed you an apology. And if I did something _really_ awesome for you like this, well, maybe you'd really listen to it, you know?"

Another breath, in which he still wasn't being thumped.

"So, yeah… I'm really sorry about annoying you all that time, and I won't do it again. And I don't really get what all you girls see in the Bas— I mean, Sasuke, but if you want him then I'll help you get him. I hope that makes up for it," he finished with an embarrassed shrug.

Naruto fell silent, waiting for Sakura to respond.

By now, Sakura had been given nearly a minute to come to grips with 'Hanako's' true identity. And while there were many things she wanted to do to him right now, a lot of them quite violent, she did realise that she'd made that pesky promise. So—

"Um, I-I'll leave if you want…? Oh, and here are your photos…" Two photos landing on her lap snapped her back to her senses.

'_Best to short-circuit that impulse then._' "Could you turn back into Hanako?"

Naruto blinked and performed the requested _Henge_.

"That's better, it's easier not to hit you when you don't look like you're a _boy_ sitting in _my room_."

'Hanako' cringed. "Ehh, sorry about that, too…"

Sakura emitted a long-suffering sigh. 'Hanako' remained silent as the pinkette continued to consider her response, thinking over every angle.

Really, she decided, it came down to one thing.

**'**_**Or actually, **_**two**_** things.**_**'** '_Shut up!_' **'**_**No, really! Think about it – am I you?**_**'** '_NO! I mean, obviously _yes_, but…_' **'**_**Exactly!**_**'**

Inner Sakura explained her take on things. Sakura had to admit, it made a fair bit of sense – or at least it'd do for the moment, while she worked out how to deal with all this later.

"Naruto…"

"Yeah?"

"You're an idiot. You're loud and irresponsible and _orange_ and, and you just annoy me." 'Hanako' slumped miserably. "But, from what I've seen, 'Hanako'… isn't really _that_ bad. Just tomboyish, and a bit clueless. And, well…"

She looked down at her lap…and for the first time, actually _looked_ at the photos.

**'CHAAAAAAA!'** Inner Sakura whooped and began drooling.

Sakura squealed and glomped Hanako, eyes riveted on her new favourite acquisitions clenched in one hand behind her new best friend's back. "Genius! Thank you, thank you, _thank you_!"

Hanako chuckled happily (yup, _so_ much easier thinking of 'her' as Hanako) and hugged her back, ecstatic at merely suffering the slow braincell-death of asphyxiation as opposed to the violent braincell-death of being thumped by Sakura. "You're welcome, Sakura." She laughed. "Besides, what's the point of settling for doing all this just once?"

—ox-oxo-xo—

And so, Naruto could rest easy in the knowledge that Sakura was his friend. Or at least, that she was 'Hanako's' friend. The jury was out on Naruto, though he was optimistic on his future chances.

But then, there was still that massive prank to play.

Convincing Sakura to go along with the next step was far harder than his previous feats of applied persuasion (read: kidnapping, threats and appeals to the feminine libido). But he eventually succeeded, for three reasons: first, because the Plan would directly result in Sakura getting yet more time with the Uchiha; second, because all this ('she' explained) was after all for the _Uchiha's_ benefit as far as training went, and further input could only be a good thing for that – and thirdly, because the reaction of their next target would be _hilarious_.

And so a week or so later, 'Hanako' did it all again…only with Ino Yamanaka instead.

(Oh, and in case you were wondering: Ino's reaction upon subsequently discovering that (a) her first kiss was attained through the efforts of _Naruto_ of all people, and (b) Sakura had got hers first… Yup. _Hilarious_. As was her further reaction to finding out afterward that Naruto had taken another picture of that moment of realisation…which was part of Sakura's price for agreeing to Ino's participation in the first place.)

And then, another week or so later, 'she' did it all again…only with Sakura _and_ Ino's full knowledge and keen anticipation.

Thus it was that, having demonstrably captured Sasuke three different times in three different ways in the space of just _two weeks_, Naruto found an enthusiastic pair of converts to the ways of Prank-fu…at least, insofar as it applied to capturing, restraining and molesting Sasuke Uchiha.

Oh, and pictures. Can't forget the pictures. Yes, suffice to say, 'Hanako Dosukoi' made a rather large amount of money selling pics of a 'sleeping' (sedated) Sasuke in various suggestive poses to the rest of the fanclub.

—ox-oxo-xo—

As the summer break progressed, and much as might have happened had Naruto based his plans on not taking his prank quite as far as he had, first Ino and then Sakura began studying medicine. Well, parts of medicine…

Both girls (and Naruto for that matter) became much more enlightened about the merits of balanced nutrition when Hanako – still Naruto as both Sakura and Ino well knew, but both remained far more comfortable thinking of him as 'Hanako' at that point – noticed their sub-par fitness levels and asked first the friendly staff of Ichiraku's and then the chuunin Kurenai Yuuhi for advice. Thus proving that Asuma Sarutobi was bound to be drenched in five gallons of peanut oil sooner or later, whatever his wishes or Naruto's overarching plans.

(Yes. Witness the author's remorse. No really, it's just down there, putting the lotion in the basket. Yup.)

Meanwhile, Ino's first serious foray into anatomy came about as a result of the girls' more 'intimate' encounters with their captive crush – and more to the point, of a subsequent, hesitating inquiry to her father concerning 'why boys' thingies didn't get hard like a man's did like she'd heard about in class'. Inoichi, being both an opportunist and far from squeamish, seized upon the opening given by his daughter and got her studying up on anatomy, poisons, pointy things and the best ways to apply some or all of these things to the disadvantage of Konoha's enemies…especially the ones that Inoichi didn't approve of (read: anyone trying to lay hands on his precious little girl).

Inevitably, Sakura became interested in the wider field of medicine. Almost as inevitably, Naruto/'Hanako' received an education in fashion – even to the point where he actually (through a _Henge_) bought an outfit _with almost no orange in it_. Not that he ever wore it, what with orange being so awesome, but he still bought it for special occasions…or, Naruto begrudgingly conceded, for when he was actually a ninja and had to _look_ like one.

One surprising discovery on everybody's part concerned Naruto's variation of the _Henge_ – namely, that it was _solid_. (The surprise on Naruto's part being, of course, that everyone else's _wasn't_.) This led in turn to three things…

Firstly: Sakura and Ino sitting down with Naruto and actually teaching him the proper handsigns and technique for the standard _Henge_. Both girls tried and failed Naruto's version…which turned out to be a _very_ fortunate thing later, given just how chakra-intensive it was. Meanwhile, Naruto tried and failed the standard version, many, many times.

Secondly: Naruto went home and experimented as much as he felt safe with his _Henge_. That he didn't immediately tell 'Hanako's' friends about doing so was because parts of it sounded perverted no matter how he tried to justify it wasn't, and so fell under the 'as much as he felt safe' proviso; that said, they might have suspected something anyway, given the safety limits that they talked about at the initial time of discovery. So there was no changing into animals or inanimate objects.

Naruto quickly found that he could change the size and colouring of his limbs and facial features, at least to within human-range standards, though the different-sized limbs and appendages felt _strange_ to manoeuvre until he got familiar with them. He also found that whoever he changed into was at least anatomically correct…a fact that made him feel a good bit creepier about 'Hanako'. Birthmarks and other small details, on the other hand… For that, he actually did go to the girls for help – though not before thinking of ways not to get pummelled beforehand!

So, one round of 'capture the Sasuke' later, complete with one heavier-than-usual sedative and 'Hanako' _Henge_'ing into Sasuke and stripping down for the girls, subsequent stripping of Sasuke and comparing the results revealed two important limitations. The first was that birthmarks and blemishes did not match unless you knew about them, and neither did tans if Naruto didn't tan in the same way and in the same places. The second… the second had Sakura and Ino looking at 'Sasuke' with some surprise and a hint of well-buried, almost unwilling speculation, and 'Sasuke' somehow pulling out the acting performance of his life to date by _not_ falling over laughing.

Not that any of this stopped 'Hanako' from adopting a more…accurate _Henge_ of Sasuke Uchiha. And then borrowing Sasuke's shower. With the door open, with Sakura and Ino with cameras ready.

(Needless to say, most of the resulting photos weren't for sale. But the few that were, sold _gangbusters_…)

_Also_ needless to say, Sakura and Ino both tried very, very hard to get 'Sasuke' to kiss Sasuke. He only managed to weasel out of that one by pointing out the 'sad' likelihood of the both of them passing out from nosebleeds before they could get the picture taken.)

Oh, and – thirdly: with some reluctance, Naruto went to Old Man Hokage and got him to get everybody out of the office. Then, with one of the Old Man's hands on Naruto's head and shoulder, Naruto _Henge_'d into Hiruzen Sarutobi.

It was a little early in Naruto Uzumaki's ninja career for the Sandaime's knowledge of his solid _Henge_ to have any real impact yet. That said, it might have interested him to know that, when he stole the Forbidden Scroll at the end of the next Academy season, it had one more addition at the bottom than it would have had otherwise…

As the summer vacation came to a close and Academy loomed once more, the three much healthier and happier students agreed that it was the best and most profitable summer they had ever enjoyed. Sakura and Ino even agreed to be Naruto's friends, provided he didn't act like such an idiot in class.

Naruto agreed, provided he was still allowed to prank people sometimes.

Sakura and Ino agreed, provided he didn't wear so much…_orange_.

Naruto _Henge_'d into something that was blue-with-bits-of-orange, instead of orange-with-bits-of-blue.

Sakura and Ino glanced at each other, shrugged and said, "Close enough."

—ox-oxo-xo—

Once Academy kicked back into gear, the Prank's difficulty levels soon started racing up the learning curve.

Thus far, Sasuke's nature had played into the trio's hands. His harsh training regimen made him tired and less cognisant of his surroundings, and thus easier to trap; moreover, his pride (and depression, it should be noted – though that was being mitigated, mostly unwillingly on his part, by all the action he was getting) dissuaded him from seeking help from adults or the public library.

These factors remained in play once Academy restarted. The difference was that on the one hand, the capture squad had less time available – and on the other hand, Sasuke now had daily access to every Academy resource on traps, evasion and escape tactics…which was actually more than was readily available, the teachers having long figured out that the best way to get the taciturn and proud Uchiha to imbibe extra knowledge on whatever topic was to implant extracurricular material in the on-site library when he was showing signs of interest in it.

In short, Sasuke _was_ a genius, and now had access to reasonably advanced knowledge in what he needed to know. So it soon became a lot harder to catch him.

Naruto responded by sneaking into the staffroom and various other sections of the Academy, and perusing the same materials. Increasingly, Sakura and Ino followed his lead in doing the same.

But then, Sasuke _was a genius_. So the difficulty gradient soon began increasing again, as he put those lessons into practice. After all, those lessons were good ones, which by their very application made what 'Hanako', Sakura and Ino were doing harder to pull off.

And then 'Hanako' had a brainwave. Or rather, Naruto decided that the time was right for the next stage of his Prank.

Convincing Sakura and Ino to go along with the plan was… a lot easier than it would've been, if he hadn't very clearly and concisely (and _quickly_) reassured them that the next targets wouldn't be involved in anything more than a peripheral way – more of the 'work for one's own reward' theme as opposed to throwing out freebies. But as they were reminded, all of this was _for Sasuke's benefit_. And so, satisfied that their privileged positions in the hierarchy remained safe, Sakura and Ino agreed.

And so, Hanako Dosukoi, Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka began running their own informal, kunoichi-only classes on stealth, tracking, traps, co-ordination, capture and evasion…

…Or in other words, they brought in reinforcements. That is, the rest of the fanclub.

Of course, Sakura and Ino jealously guarded their own advantages. If any particular fangirl found themselves too unfit or clumsy or what-have-you to keep up with the program, then that was _their_ problem. The fangirls were sated to an extent, however, by the fine-tuning of the gauntlet of roving fangirls patrolling the routes between the Academy grounds and Sasuke's home, meant to increase its effectiveness. Sakura even expanded on Naruto's idea by creating an official ranking system, where one's rank within the fanclub (a convoluted system to Naruto's sensibilities, involving things like marks at the Academy, stamina and speed levels, accomplishments within the fanclub such as good photos or items of Uchiha clothing, and a range of more arcane and befuddling criteria) earned them a better or worse chance of netting a good spot to catch the Uchiha as he attempted to sprint or sneak to and from home every weekday.

Sasuke wasn't caught all that often, and only in public. But it served its functions, all four of them. First, it gave the other fangirls something relatively harmless to aim for – in this case, every available fangirl converging on the captured Uchiha and getting in line for a quick kiss (and maybe a grope if they felt adventurous about doing that sort of thing in public). Second, it satisfied Sakura and Ino by keeping the other fangirls' rewards to something relatively inoffensive (_relatively_ so, because even so far as a few months previously, neither girl would have ever even _contemplated_ letting the Pig/Forehead getting so far with their Sasuke!), what with the public nature of their captures. Third, it satisfied Sasuke's need for advancement in his skill… as he _finally_ began to comprehend, once 'Hanako' showed up at the end of Sasuke's second 'kissing line', leaned forward and whispered, "You know, if you can't even deal with us, you're going to have problems later when things get serious for you. So consider this training, huh?" And then stuck 'her' tongue in his ear because it was there before parting with a, "Better luck next time…" and discreetly dashing off to laugh and wash his mouth out.

And fourth, and most importantly in Naruto's opinion: it was _damned funny_!

—ox-oxo-xo—

…And then Anko Mitarashi got involved. And Hinata.

Yeeeeeeah. This would end well.

* * *

**Ending A/N:** So, yeah. This was actually the first plot vector I had outlined. It's just that the other one got written first. This version's funnier, but more parodic and with more OOC-moments – prime example: Sakura agreeing to bring in Ino.

* * *

**Omake Squared: Turnabout**

**Summary:** Hinata, you say?

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

He came to, groggy and confused. That confusion quickly started turning to panic as he realised that he was bound fast. What happened? The last he remembered was heading back after his latest…

His recollections jarred to a halt as a pair of soft lips covered his.

'_Ohhh… so _that's_ what's happening…_' he thought.

It was a strange realisation, that someone unknown actually felt about him that way. Strange, a bit gratifying that someone thought he was awesome and worth giving extra training like that, but more than a little unsettling that he didn't know who it was—

He whimpered as a terrible possibility occurred to him. The mysterious assailant drew back with a gasp.

"Please tell me you're not a guy?" Naruto squeaked, waiting with bated breath for the answer – and hovering on the edge of a well-deserved panic attack in case the wrong answer was given.

There was a long, terrible silence as his nerves ratcheted higher and higher in trepidation. And then a rustle of clothing as a body settled atop his. Naruto froze – and then relaxed. There were two lumps instead of one, and both of them were in the right places for a girl.

His sigh of relief was swallowed as the girl kissed him again, this time with her mouth open. Naruto froze again in shock…and then decided to kiss back, on the basis that it was happening to him anyway and he might as well see what Sakura and Ino liked so much about it.

Eventual verdict: …eh, not _too_ bad. Not the kind of thing he'd do with his free time, but it wasn't exactly _horrible_ either. The stickiness was a little gross – it did help, though, when he remembered that this _was_ something people seemed to like doing when they were older. Maybe he was just too young to enjoy this properly. Or maybe girls were just weird.

And at least she didn't taste like broccoli or something yucky.

In fact… overall, he decided, this was a good thing. As penalties for capture went, at least. Not so pleasant as to make him _want_ to get captured, but not so unpleasant as to make him own up to the Old Man and get her to stop trying either. Besides, it was good enough for Sasuke…

…though, he'd have to check with Sakura and Ino to see if they'd helped whoever this was.

That was the last thing he managed to think as gentle fingers reached down to tap his neck.

—ox-oxo-xo—

Hinata held her breath, and then released it with relief when the Jyuuken strike succeeded. Knots were loosened, and then she took to her heels, blushing so hard that she didn't even notice as a passing kunoichi in a revealing trenchcoat gave her a thumbs-up.

She'd just molested Naruto. She'd just knocked Naruto out, tied up Naruto and kissed Naruto. She'd even laid on top of Naruto and made out with Naruto! And Naruto had even kissed back!

Hinata dashed all the way home, all the way to her room, to her bed, and managed to slam a pillow in her face before she actually squee'd with pure fangirlish glee and _finally_ succumbed to the fainting spell that only desperate effort had managed to hold off.

She did not think of doing it again. Those thoughts came later, after she woke up from some…rather _naughty_ dreams. Other thoughts came too, such as this being the most brilliant idea that Naruto had ever had!

* * *

**Omake Squared: Sasuke Bunshin!**

**Summary:** Yeah, this pretty much had to happen.

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

Sakura hesitated for a few moments as Sasuke and Kakashi walked away, biting her lip. On the one hand, Sasuke was leaving, and maybe now might be the time to ask him to join her for lunch. After all, they'd just passed Sensei Kakashi's 'bell test', so it'd be a celebration, wouldn't it? But then, Naruto was still wrapped to that post. It seemed a little cruel to leave him there…

Casting a glance back at Naruto, she turned back to the others to find that Sasuke had taken the decision out of her hands by vanishing. She had to admit, that was quite a series of traps he'd managed to lay down in the handful of seconds she'd been distracted. Oh, and Kakashi was gone too. You could tell by the lack of paint. And jam. And honey. And flour. And seriously, where the hell did Naruto _get_ all this stuff from?

Shrugging, she went back to the post and cut Naruto down.

Her blond teammate stretched and smiled gratefully at her. Then he rummaged in the inside of his new brown jacket (or rather, the jacket that he'd bought a year ago and never worn until now), producing an envelope.

"Thanks, Sakura. I was going to give you this anyway, but now you really deserve it," he said, handing the envelope to her. "Open it when you go to bed tonight, okay?"

Sakura's eyebrow began twitching, her fist clenching…

"No, seriously. You'll like what's in it – but, you'll regret it if you open it anywhere else."

She eventually unclenched her fist. "Okay, but it _better_ not be perverted…"

Naruto nervously scratched the back of his head. "Ehehe… Seeya tomorrow, Sakura!" he yelled, his farewell dopplering with the pace of his retreat.

…

Later, she could not for the life of her explain why she actually followed Naruto's instructions with the letter. So many times that day, she'd almost tore the thing to shreds, or burnt it to ashes, or just threw it away.

Perhaps…perhaps it was that, despite his behaviour, she _did_ trust him.

As she stared down at the photo that the envelope had contained, Sakura found that she didn't particularly care why. The important thing was that she had.

It took twenty minutes, two fainting spells and a moderate amount of blood loss through the sinuses before she could acclimatise herself to the photograph's contents. Even now she was blushing on Hinata-like levels. And for good reason.

The photo was perverted. It was _very_ perverted. Well, to twelve-year-old sensibilities, at least.

'_Two…Sasukes…kissing… Two…topless…Sasukes…kissing…_' A little more blood dribbled out of her nose before she could stop it.

There was also a post-it note, stuck to the back of the photo. She peeled it off and read:

_**Congratulations for passing the genin exams, Sakura!  
Naruto**_

_**P.S.: **_**Kage Bunshin****_ is awesome!_**

And looking back at the results, her only response was:

"Naruto, you insane perverted _genius_!"

Well, her only immediate response. Some 'private time' with the picture was taken shortly afterwards…

…As was the case with Ino, who had come home after Team Ten's test to find her own letter dropped off with her mother.

* * *

**Ending A/N:** (looks innocent) …What?  
BTW, someone commented on wanting to see how Team Seven did with their genin test. I figured something similar to **Saphroneth**'s '_Vulpine_' test would do the trick, as in a shit-ton of traps and such – I've read so many damn versions of that test, I just felt no desire whatsoever to try fitting in anything original here. The three genin knew it was a trick-test, but chose not to overtly reveal their knowledge – besides, Kakashi was working to a script, hence Naruto getting tied to a post as the one who (he assumed) the others would be least likely to help outside of the mandates of teamwork…another part they knew about.

* * *

**Omake Squared: Nice try, Sasuke**

**Summary:** Take one plan for defection. Add an entire fanclub of capture specialists. Now _you_ guess the result…

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

Kakashi Hatake stared.

He stared as the gaggle of triumphant, fawning fangirls, almost the entire in-village membership of the Sasuke Uchiha fanclub marched past, his genin (and how he hoped he was still _his_ genin, after hospitalising his teammate and attempting to defect to Oto) trapped hopelessly in their midst. The Uchiha was hogtied, gagged and squirming with absolutely no chance of dislodging himself from the hands and arms glomping him securely in place. The Cursed Seal of Heaven would intermittently flare up, only to dissipate like a vile fart in the wind as one or another fangirlish kunoichi kissed him on the cheek…or the neck…or the collarbone…or the chest or back, as his upper clothing seemed to have vanished somewhere during the capture.

He stared as Anko Mitarashi appeared for a few moments, standing across from him as the fangirls' capture party passed between them. She stood with hands on hips, looking inordinately proud of herself, before disappearing as if she'd never been there – probably off to collect some bets.

He stared as Ino Yamanaka followed behind them, Sasuke's blue top folded daintily over her clasped hands as she animatedly chatted with another kunoichi – who looked suspiciously like a clothed versions of _Oroike Henge_. He stared as the blonde kunoichi tipped him a mischievous wink when she walked past.

He stared as the…_official_ capture team led by Chuunin Nara of Team Ten slunk along behind the fangirls at a safe distance. Walking with them were the Suna team of Gaara, Temari and Kankuro of the Sand, as well as five Naruto-clones. Each of the clones, as well as Gaara, were lugging body-bags – though Gaara was dragging his no doubt-bloody trophy along behind him on a tether of sand. Oi-nin soon appeared and appropriated five of the bags, sealing them into scrolls. One brave nin approached the Yondaime Kazekage's youngest son and exchanged a few words, scribbling something into a notepad before vanishing.

He stared as Naruto, presumably the real one, separated from the capture team and bounced over to stand before him with a big stupid grin. He stared down at his genin, the only one of them who could be reasonably considered fit for duty, who had obviously reacted to Sasuke's attempted defection and striking Sakura down by calling in what he considered to be the big guns. With some justification, too, given the fact that they had manifestly succeeded in their self-appointed mission.

Kakashi Hatake stared. And he _shivered_.

Then the elite jounin shook of his old nightmares and refocused on his subordinate.

"…Dare I even _ask_ you to report, Naruto?"

Naruto's grin widened.

* * *

**Ending A/N:** While I had the idea of at least, um, _this_ before reading **Poppy Grave Dreams**'s profile, I must thank that author both for their reviews and for their profile reminding me about actually finishing this chapter. Gotta say, I'd be interested in seeing the results if they ever get to posting that (more detailed and epicworthy) idea…

* * *

**Omake Squared: It's Not How Big It Is…**

**Summary:** Because writing up a Naru-harem is almost obligatory…yet still crack pretty much by definition. Some fairly risqué content. A long one here, folks.

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

It was an otherwise fine late afternoon, if not for the ominous sounds of girlish giggling rolling from the nearby teahouse. The malicious peals of mirth had driven away any man without a concrete need to stay from an eighty-yard radius surrounding the shop. Even the male staff of the shop itself had pleaded sickness and scarpered while the going was only moderately horrible.

The four kunoichi of what had come to be known as the 'Konoha Twelve' had met in the aforementioned teahouse to catch up. This in itself was not particularly unusual – as missions permitted, they attempted to meet up at least once a month.

No. What was different about this particular gathering was the fact that three of the four kunoichi had coincidentally run into members of their Academy classes, young women who had failed their jounin-sensei's genin tests and subsequently been diverted into non-frontline roles. Those young ladies had promised to catch up, and invited other young ladies of their acquaintance, and…

Well, there was just no pretty way to say it.

The old Sasuke Uchiha and Neji Hyuuga Fanclubs had turned up. Virtually in their entirety.

Fortunately for the remaining teahouse staff, however, hostilities (or at least outright violence) had eventually been dispensed with on the grounds of neither shinobi being present. That did not stop the group as a whole from wasting nearly ten minutes trading verbal barbs over the various failings of the 'other' young idol. On the Sasuke side, Neji's loss in the Chuunin Exam Finals to the 'dead-last' Naruto Uzumaki (Sasuke's teammate, it was stressed as if that made a difference) was bandied about; on the Neji side, the same was done with Sasuke's attempt some months later to defect to Otogakure – to escape his fangirls, was how the Neji side phrased it.

That said, it was eventually acknowledged by each opposing side that each episode had seen some mitigations and even improvements as a result. Neji's obsession with fate had taken a severe knock as a result of his loss – and Sasuke's attempt at defection had failed _precisely_ because his fanclub had rallied (again, at the Uzumaki's behest) to drag him back to Konoha, collectively defeating the Sound Four while they were at it. Neji had become more approachable, while Sasuke had at least acknowledged that he would need to become strong enough to defeat his own fanclub before going after his traitorous brother.

So with that settled, the several dozen (mainly sixteen- and seventeen-year-old) girls had collectively sat back and took a breath… and then set about comparing notes, catching up on gossip and collectively enjoying themselves in traditional fashion.

And so it was that, secure in the knowledge that any red-blooded male within eighty yards had crapped themselves and tried with varying success to sidle away without being noticed, they started getting into the juicy stuff.

"Hey, Hinata!" Ami called out. "I bet _you'd_ know – who's got the biggest…" she stopped and made an obscene hand gesture, "…out of the Konoha Twelve boys?"

As per standard form, Hinata blushed and tried not to faint. Ami did vaguely remember this pattern of behaviour, and waited for her to recover sufficiently to answer; other members of the younger Academy class did the same, whispering brief explanations to the older Academy classmates.

"W-w-well… I o-only know the ones f-from m-my class, so…"

The room's occupants slumped with disappointment.

"…and, I-I only l-l-l-looked," she gulped, "when we were t-twelve…"

A chuunin nurse from Tenten's class nodded reluctantly, "…So they'd all be older and bigger now anyway. Yeah, guess you're right."

It was to the collective group's credit that no-one brought up the possibility of Hinata going and having another look, given her difficulty with just _recalling_ doing it three years ago. Clearly there was no answer to be had from that quarter.

"Hey!" Ami perked up. "You know who _would_ know? Hanako – I bet _she'd_ find out just for laughs!"

A burst of admiring, envious giggles met her declaration, as well of catcalls of, "And photos!", "And blackmail!", "And betting rackets!", and other assertions along these lines.

Tenten blinked. "Who?"

And so one half of the group learned from the other about one girl a year or so older than them, a genius 'capture specialist' by the name of Hanako Dosukoi. A girl who had joined the Sasuke Uchiha Fanclub for a laugh, and then with Sakura and Ino as her protegés proceeded to train up the entire fanclub in their capture techniques – to the point where they got so good that they collectively gained the interest of Anko Mitarashi, who trained them up even further.

"I mean, seriously," one of them summed it up, "how do you think we got good enough to drag back Sasuke in the first place?"

"She must've got bored though," another chimed in, "because she hasn't been seen around for years. Is she even still alive?"

Sakura and Ino shared a brief, considering look, hands flashing sign language under the table. Eventually they traded nods – after all, it wasn't like they weren't curious themselves…

"Yeah," Ino replied, "me and Sakura see her around sometimes. She's just been busy." Busy with a three-year training trip, but they weren't saying _that_.

Sakura added, "But yeah, maybe she _did_ get bored. She does that a lot."

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Ami shouted. "Can you find her?"

Sakura and Ino traded another look, mainly for the look of it.

"Yeah, why not. I think she's in town – give me a minute…" the pinkette stepped outside onto the street, performing a _Kuchiyose no Jutsu_. She whispered some instructions to the hand-sized slug that her technique summoned, which disappeared with a poof of dissipated chakra. "If she's up for it, she'll be a couple minutes," Sakura told the others.

It was indeed about three minutes later that the requested addition to their impromptu party turned up at the entrance to the tea shop _via_ a _Shunshin_. The entire group examined the prodigal daughter curiously as she swayed through the door.

Hanako appeared to be seventeen or eighteen, a couple inches over five feet tall. Honey-blonde hair in pigtails, cornflower-blue eyes, and a wide, mischievous grin topped a gravity-defying set of breasts which were even bigger than Hinata's and almost appeared to rival Lady Tsunade's, though this was partially because they looked more impressive on Hanako's smaller frame. The clothes she wore, however, were largely utilitarian – dark blue jumpsuit-pants, black sports-bra under a vest modelled after the chuunin attire but in a shade to match the pants, with sensible ninja sandals and black pouches attached up and down the fronts of her thighs. The heavy tan she sported, along with the hitai-ate on its band tied around a well-toned right arm, completed the image of a tomboy who knew she had the looks to pull off a seduction, but would rather not be hampered while she was doing something else more important.

"Yo!" Hanako Dosukoi called. "It's been a while for some of you, hasn't it girls? What's up?"

She slid into a seat between Ino and Hinata, and ordered a cup of black tea with a heavy dollop of honey while Ami and Sakura explained what they all wanted to know. The blonde nodded thoughtfully as she mulled over their request…

…and shook her head with a snort of disdain. "Not interested."

"…WHAAAAT?"

"Well, two things wrong here…" Hanako explained after a long sip at her tea. "First up: guys are sensitive about that kinda thing. That's why you're trying to find out on the sly, right? 'Cause if they weren't, you could just ask 'em."

She threw up a finger to halt any interruptions.

"And, all these guys? They're ninja – which means they're at least meant to know how to do genjutsu. If they've got something to hide, then they'll just hide it."

"…Damn," Ami muttered, echoing the sentiments of most of the room. "But, couldn't _you_—"

"Do I look like Ero-Sennin to you?"

Ami blinked. "Who?"

"Huh? Oh, Lord Jiraiya, the Gama Sennin. Uzumaki's been calling him Ero-Sennin for years though, because he's also the author of the Icha Icha series. Seriously, the guy runs around calling himself a 'super pervert'." She leaned forward, glaring at Ami at the next table. "More to the point, he does his 'research' by doing things like peeking at women in the onsen.

"So what you're asking me to do is, either peek at _all eight_ of the guys in the onsen – or capture and strip _all eight_ of the guys in their homes."

She sat back, having made her point.

"Yeah, pretty much," Ami shrugged. Many of the others echoed her blasé attitude.

Okay, Hanako decided, maybe she hadn't been obvious enough. Well, then…

"Would _you_ want to strip down and measure Kiba Inuzuka? Chouji Akimichi? How about Shino Aburame?"

Ami went green. As did a fair number of the gathered kunoichi.

"…Yeah, you couldn't _pay_ me enough to go there," Hanako finished.

Hanako enjoyed her tea while rainclouds of depression drizzled misery down on the rest of the room.

"But cheer up, girls – there's the _second_ thing!"

They looked up hopefully.

"As I just said: they're _ninja_. And if ninja aren't cheating, they're doing something wrong. So, the better question to ask is – how _well_ do you think they can cheat?"

…

(Meanwhile, eight young shinobi and one ninken scattered around Konoha noted shivers of foreboding running up their spines.

Lee reflexively screamed about YOUTH! at the top of his lungs, to drive away the evil kami. Kiba and Akamaru huddled shivering under a nearby porch. Shino catalogued the sensation and went back to tending the latest additions to his personal hive. Chouji and Shikamaru looked around, failed to see any sign of Ino, and went back to eating and cloud-watching respectively.

Neji and Sasuke knew this feeling well. Neji grit his teeth and applied himself all the harder to his Jyuuken training, abruptly certain that he would soon need it. Sasuke just spared a mental curse for the ANBU who were _still_ detailed to tailing him in case of further desertion attempts.

And Naruto…facepalmed and wondered what the hell 'Hanako' was doing.)

…

Hanako ordered and moderately enjoyed a medium portion of tiramisu while the 'other' girls debated and bantered their opinions back and forth over this newest topic, wondering what precisely was so scary about this. Did no shinobi ever realise just how much possibly important information they were forgoing whenever they fled from this kind of thing?

_Sure_ it was embarrassing, but Boss for one had always liked being talked about. It wasn't like they were even being particularly insulting about him.

Eventually, it was Ino who once again directed attention back to Hanako. "So, what do you think, Hanako? You haven't said anything for a while there…" The Yamanaka said this with a light smirk, being one of the two people in the place (actually, _three_ people, though none of the others – Hanako included – knew about Hinata) who knew full well who 'Hanako' was, and why 'she' would have a good idea when it came to the topic.

(And _no_, you perverts, it's not _that_ reason. It was because Ino, like Sakura, had read through Naruto's research back in Academy – including more than a little about the other clans who had representative classmates.

…Well, that and Naruto was a guy, and thus had _surely_ heard a little bragging from the others.)

Fortunately, Naruto's peculiar mindset, which had retained a measure of innocence safe from perversion even if the definition varied by topic and whoever he was talking to at the time, decided that this was a question he could answer – kinda like an infiltration/recon exercise/prank, only still in the planning stage to select the best targets.

So Hanako shrugged, "Most of them? Depends how far along they are with their clan techniques, I guess. Depends on the girl, too."

That got _everyone's_ attention, given that the older kunoichi was clearly going somewhere with this.

As far as Hanako could see, the problem all these girls were having was in the lack of information. It hadn't been until years later that Naruto had realised how rare it was for information on the clans to actually be looked up – it was like it was assumed knowledge or something as you got older and more familiar with specific members or families of those clans. But once he'd twigged, and upon his first lengthy return to Konoha, Naruto had dived head-first into those archives once more. After all, he couldn't really count on people telling him that kind of stuff – either people would not want to tell him, or people would just assume he already knew it.

Fangirls were imaginative beings, at least when it came to fantasy fodder. All they'd really require was a basic rundown…

But then, Hanako decided, it wouldn't really be prank-worthy if she just did that. Nah, better to go over the top!

So Hanako Dosukoi gave them the full and frank appraisal of a chuunin capture specialist, one who was infamous among certain members of the gathering for her creativity, pragmatism and tactical genius in her field… And one who had at some point sat down and thought this over already (if for no other reason than because it helped Naruto spot when the other guys were bragging or otherwise trying to pull a con. To hear Kiba talk sometimes, it was like he'd tapped half the girls here…and they'd all come back begging for more).

She spoke of the Aburame, who crossbred their own bugs and specialised through them in poisons, hallucinogens and other drugs… which, given that there were little Aburames and thus women who had given birth to little Aburames, quite likely included skin-contact aphrodisiacs. ("Worth your while if you can bring yourself to go there.") She also spoke of the Inuzuka, and their noses… which were excellent at picking up pheromones, and could be trained to smell fluctuating levels of arousal as expertly as they smelled anything else, which could be an excellent aid to speeding up the learning curve – and also spoke of possible hybrid phallic states whilst performing their clan-beast jutsu, which he pulled from Kiba's bragging as a distinct possibility. ("Hey – there's '_ribbed_ for your pleasure', and then there's…")

"Yeah, so that's the disgusting ones outta the way…" Hanako said, flagging over another cup of tea as the others warred between outright nausea and hidden titillation, seesawing between being grossed out and imagining some _truly_ kinky fantasies.

She spoke of the Nara, and the way that so many 'shadow manipulations' ended up in body manipulations… which at the advanced levels, augured for the finest in body-puppetry for the bedroom. (This got thoughtful nods, particularly from the handful of kunoichi with seduction training.) She spoke of the Akimichi, and their body expansion jutsus… and then chided the lot of them for their lack of imagination, because that one was just _obvious_. ("He'd be better off using that on his fingers, though. I mean, who's seen how massive just his _fists_ get? There's big, and then there's _fencing posts_…")

"Yeah, but what about Lee?" Ami wondered. "No clan jutsu, no chakra even. So…" She stopped at the looks Hanako and Tenten were giving her. "…What?"

"Stamina," Tenten replied as if it were a no-brainer…because it _was_.

For Lee, Hanako spoke in blunt terms. For a man who would regard doing a hundred push-ups with his tongue as a _training exercise_… Sure, the taijutsu enthusiast had lots of flaws – one of which could be torn off him, and the rest could be covered up by sitting on his face until you were just too far gone to _care_ what he looked and sounded like.

Silence reigned. Then it was broken by a couple dozen nosebleeds.

"…Huh. I might have to keep that one in mind," Tenten murmured, wiping her nose.

"W-what about N-N-Naruto?" Hinata asked.

Hanako stared. "…I'm gonna assume you're asking for everyone's benefit?" She eloquently gestured towards Sakura, Ino and Tenten.

"_Kage Bunshin_," said Ino.

"Enough to fill the room," added Sakura.

"Without even trying," finished Tenten, who had been using dozens of Naruto's _Kage Bunshin_ for target practice just last week.

Hanako knocked back the rest of her tea. Sure, a line about 'Gangbang Technique' might've fit, but Naruto didn't want to have to deal with the fangirls if it worked _too well_…

"And now," she cleared her throat, "Neji and Sasuke."

Attention once again snapped round to Hanako, a fair number of them shaking themselves from their speculation (_Kage Bunshin_ being something that had become rather famous nowadays, given that Uzumaki threw them out like Tenten spammed kunai) to focus on the room's collective crushes.

"For Neji…" she paused dramatically, "…it's all about chakra control. Not much point using the Byakugan or the Jyuuken, but the chakra control you'd need for those?

"Take the tree-climbing exercise – we've all done that, right?" A round of impatient nods. "How about the tree-_sliding_ exercise?"

"Huh?"

Sakura frowned. Could that be one of Naruto's exercises…?

"Yeah! It's like tree-climbing, only you push the field out past the sides of your feet and make that bit stronger than the rest – but still not enough to blow you off the tree. The stronger field pulls you along, so you end up sliding in whatever direction the field's strongest. It's about as tricky again as water-walking, but it's great once you've got it down.

"Sooo… take that kind of training, and have Neji doing it with other parts of his body, and…"

The nearest waitress, a woman in her late twenties who had been intermittently weeping with joy over all the tips she'd picked up that afternoon, snorted with amusement. "Heh, yeah that move's real. They call it the Lazy Rooter. Basically turns the guy's penis into a vibrator."

"Ohhhhhhh…!" rang the refrain.

"Yeah, I remember one of the doctors bragging about that move…" the young nurse giggled. A great deal more giggling ensued, this sort of thing being exactly the kind of juicy dirt they'd been after when they invited Hanako here.

"And what about Sasuke?" Ami finally asked.

Hanako shrugged. "Eh, another lazy one but I can see this one working too…"

Ino leaned in. "So, get to it…?"

"Well, the Uchiha's got his Sharingan. That hypnotises you, at least a little. And it doesn't have to be much – at least, not once he slips in some silent genjutsu while you're distracted. Couldn't get too rough about it of course, but good for mood-setting if nothing else…"

Hanako fell quiet, tucking into another serving of tiramisu (which was pretty good, but nothing on ramen and only slightly better than dango) as the room's occupants once again fell into verbal battle-lines along the well-worn Neji vs. Sasuke divide. From what 'she' could gather – and this seemed pretty simple, really, as least as far as the inner workings of fangirls – it came down to 'romance' (Sasuke) versus the actual deed's quality (Neji).

If she were asked, she would probably have to come down on Neji's side, if only because she highly doubted the Bastard had been _able_, yet alone willing, to find or develop any of the kind of genjutsu that might have worked in the bedroom. But she wasn't asked, because the others were fully absorbed in their random arguments.

At least, most of them were. Sakura and Ino were trading speculative, somewhat uneasy glances, hands flashing sign back and forth under the table's edge out of sight of the others. Tenten was getting bored, the 'kunoichi's night out' clearly having gone off the rails due to fangirl interference despite a few high points. And Hinata merely huddled next to Hanako, looking like she wanted to say something but unsure as to whether she'd be heard.

"…Yeah, screw this," Hanako finally decided, polishing off her cake and gulping down her final cuppa before standing.

The four 'Konoha Twelve' kunoichi shared looks and followed suit, each silently pulling out money to fill their tabs and ghosting out as a group as the arguments started getting violent.

"Yeesh," Hanako muttered quietly from two blocks away, "how did I put up with that when they were _twelve_?"

Sakura smiled ruefully, taking her hand. "Yeah, but Team Seven's still together because you did. So, thanks…Hanako."

"You're welcome," she replied, smiling genuinely up at the pinkette.

"Okay," Tenten abruptly interjected, "what am I missing here? You two—" she paused, catching the look that flitted across Ino's face, "—you three were thick as thieves in there – why haven't we ever heard of you before…whatshername, the purple chick…"

"Ami," Hanako told her.

"Yeah, her. Before she brought you up and everyone was all 'she's so great'? I mean that's not even a regulation vest, are you even a chuunin?"

"Yeah, but this fits better with the top load," Hanako replied matter-of-factly, then stopped as a nudge from Sakura got her attention.

The older blonde regarded Sakura and Ino for a long moment. "You sure?"

Ino spoke up, "Yeah, we can trust _these_ two not to say anything."

Sakura snickered, "Heh, not like those fangirls back there…"

Hanako shrugged then, breasts bouncing under the vest in such a way that a passing civilian across the road walked into a pole. "Okay then, follow me."

…

"Um…" Hinata stuttered as 'Hanako's' front door came into view, "…isn't t-this… N-Nar-ruto's ap-p-partment?"

"Yeah, he lets me use it while he's not here," Hanako answered over her shoulder as she led the way in. "Shut the door behind ya, Hinata?"

Tenten looked around the apartment curiously, being apparently the only one of the quartet to have never seen the place. It was small and pretty sparse, a standard one-bedroom flat with the kitchen area tucked away in one corner of the living area which obviously took up most of the allotted space.

"Huh?" Naruto walked out of the bedroom, wielding of all things a feather duster. "Okay, what's the occasion here?"

"Yeeeeah, that doesn't look like he's not here, Hanako."

"Nah, Boss is still off training. I'm just here to clean up the place a bit before he gets back – Boss was in a bit of a hurry this morning."

"…You…_actually_ dust your place?" Ino demanded.

"It's a chakra control exercise, so yes," Naruto's clone replied. "Now, what's…" He paused, looking over at Tenten and Hinata. "Oh. _Ohhhh_… Heh, this'll be fun. Should I get the camera?"

Hanako pretended to consider it, even as Tenten glared at the clone. "No, it's probably not that funny. Although…!" An evil grin spread across her face, only to dwindle. "…Nah, that's probably perverted. Hey, Hinata – activate your Byakugan?"

The veins at Hinata's forehead bulged out. "Okay…"

"Right – the thing about Hanako Dosukoi…"

'Hanako' made a sign, muttered "_Kai_", and turned into Naruto.

"…Yeah, she never existed in the first place." A cheeky grin. "…Hinata? Hinata…? …Damn it, she fainted again. I thought she was over this!"

After Sakura withdrew some smelling salts and woke the shy Hyuuga up, and a woozy Hinata joined an extremely suspicious Tenten on the couch, Sakura and Ino helped the newly revealed Naruto – or more accurately, the Naruto _Kage Bunshin_ – to explain matters.

Though even they were surprised at a few tidbits he hadn't told them. Like the fact that Hanako Dosukoi _was_, in fact, a chuunin – Lady Tsunade having somewhat surprisingly _loved_ the idea once she'd been filled in on the premise, and happy to give the 'reserve' kunoichi (a title given to those who passed out from the remedial Academy after failing their team tests, and thus obviously couldn't pass a standard chuunin exam) the chuunin title that she hadn't been able to give Naruto. After all, how could the elite genin Naruto Uzumaki and all the hurdles in the way of his promotion apply to a kunoichi capture specialist?

(Incidentally, it had also been the Old Lady's idea to suggest a specifically tailored vest, much as she herself had resorted to for a while.)

Once they were done, in a tale that stretched over half an hour as the sun set, Tenten at length offered up the first thing that occurred to her:

"You…are _such_ a pervert."

The blond prankster quirked an eyebrow at her, delivering one of the most effective old-fashioned looks she had ever seen on someone who wasn't a grandparent.

"Back at that teahouse? I counted four girls fighting down blushes at the thought of being in a threesome with Kiba and a Kiba-fied _Akamaru_. There were three more girls – different ones, mind you – who looked turned on at the thought of being impaled on Chouji's _log_. And there's a _reason_ I didn't say the obvious line about 'Gangbang Technique' with Boss back there, 'cause I could _see_ nearly twenty girls thinking along those lines already. Any argument so far?"

The four girls glanced uncomfortably at each other. While they were certain none of them had been numbered among the first two categories… Well. He _did_ have a point with the 'gangbang' line.

He especially had a point, should one care to consider the sheer number of clones that each of them knew for a fact he could produce all at once. As in, enough to 'gangbang' everyone back at the teahouse, all at once – and quite possibly do so without even needing to stop whatever he was doing elsewhere and sit down for a breather.

The discomforted glances intensified, as the implications of that little bit of knowledge began to truly register.

"Hanako Dosukoi was one part _prank_," the former 'Hanako' continued when there was no argument, "and one part wanting a _friend_. Is it so perverted for an eleven-year-old with no friends to want one?" He sighed. "Even if I had to pretend to be a girl to find one?"

Sakura shook herself and snickered. "Eh, Naruto? Remember the bit where you repeatedly had us make out with Sasuke while he was tied up? Are you saying that wasn't perverted?"

Ino giggled. "Yeah, how about the bit where you stripped him off so you could get your 'Sasuke' _Henge_ right?"

"Oh, so it's not perverted when _you're_ doing it, is it?" Naruto grinned. "How about the bit where both of you kept trying to get me to kiss him while I was in 'Sasuke' _Henge_ and we were both undressed? I bet you've still got the shower-pics at home, huh?"

The pinkette and the blonde shrugged, only slightly embarrassed. Now that they thought about it, they really _had_ been pretty wild for eleven- and twelve-year-old Academy students.

"What…the…!" Tenten whispered, unheard.

"Hey, you still got those photos I gave you for making genin?" Naruto laughed.

Two hands dove into two pockets. "Right here!" Sakura and Ino chorused. The pair paused to look again at their treasured mementoes and let out lusty sighs. Then they paused again, darting rueful looks at each other.

"You know, Naruto… we don't say this enough, but – you really can be pretty awesome," Sakura informed him, smiling gently.

"Perverted, really perverted," Ino brightly added, "…but still – awesome."

Tenten eventually sighed, having not failed to miss the overall point he was making; as much as he probably _was_ a pervert…well, he was frankly _surrounded_ by perverts. And taught by perverts – including a 'super pervert'. And he'd just come back from the same den of perverts that _she_ had, after listening to the same inane drivel that fifty-plus fangirls were capable of when they were on their favourite subject.

(And, as a certain memory from earlier in the day decided to drift back in, she herself had reacted in a…favourable manner to the idea of making a certain dare to her spandex-clad teammate…)

Yeah, she _guessed_ she could give the guy a pass this time. And then go find Lee, because now she was curious about whether it might actually _work_.

"So anyway," the weapons specialist asked to put a close to that topic without further fuss, "Hinata – you looked like you wanted to say something back there?"

Hinata jumped a little. "U-um, yes. But … i-it was N-Naruto's solid _Henge_, so…"

"Heh, yeah," the Naruto clone who had been home already scratched his head as he answered, "that's actually something Boss is keeping secret. He would've said something, but… well, _secret_."

"Makes sense," Tenten conceded. "That does sound like a great infiltration technique…" She stopped. "Though hang on…"

Tenten stopped again, really _considering_ what she'd just realised. Her eyes snapped wide open.

"_Damn_, then it really WAS a good thing none of you said anything about that back there. _Kage Bunshin_ is one thing, but…" she snorted with amusement and not a little awe. "A _shape-shifting_ jutsu on top of that? Holy crap, you could look like whoever you wanted…!"

Sakura and Ino froze. And then blushed to Hinata-like levels of redness.

"Hah, whatever size you wanted for that matter! Man, imagine the fangirls getting a hold of THAT…!" Tenten continued, in no way missing the looks on the other three girls' faces. "Sasuke's and Neji's on _demand_, by the _platoon_ even!" She turned to stare pityingly at the former 'Hanako'. "…You'd never get a moment's peace, would you?"

Ex-'Hanako' shrugged, conceding the point. This did nothing to take away the building of air in three sets of lungs.

"Dibs!"

Sakura, Ino and Hinata gaped at each other participant in the impromptu triple-jinx.

Tenten bit her lip and wished for a camera.

Ex-'Hanako', having had that mindset to form recently, looked around the room quizzically.

The other Kage Bunshin, however, went pale…and then dispelled as quietly as he possibly could.

…

(Naruto froze. And then muttered, "Oh boy," as he began packing up.

At least, if nothing else, Ero-Sennin was out of the village right now. Because he did _not_ want him getting wind of even the _rumour_ of something like this…)

…

"…So!" Ex-'Hanako' broke the tense silence. "Any requests for dinner?"

* * *

**Ending A/N:** Few notes here.  
First, Hanako being promoted? The way I figure it, the promotion process for 'reserve' ninja (as established in Ch4/5) would be different to the 'elite genin' – that is, the ones in teams. For these true specialist ninja, those with specific duties, expertise and experience would be the promoting factors. As such, you'd expect them to make chuunin at about the same pace, but only make tokobetsu jounin and jounin as they climbed up the ranks of responsibility in their pigeonholed roles – so for them it would be far slower.  
It's easy to see why canon-Naruto isn't promoted – he's mostly a idiot, and to your average ninja he acts and thinks even more like an idiot than he actually is. Only his pedigree, his charisma, the Harry Potter-esque lucky shit he pulls off and the fact that there's a world war on gives him a hope of making Hokage any time soon – and there's a good chance that he'd make it all the way there from genin without ever seeing a permanent rank in between (though recent canon may well have proven me wrong on that one…meh, point stands).  
Here, Naruto's problems are mainly based on the chuunin exams, and the fact that he's attended so damn few of them. Hanako wouldn't have that problem, and Tsunade promoting 'her' gives Naruto formal access to resources that improve his chances at surviving his trials ahead. 'Violently anti-pervert' does not equate to 'stupid', especially in Hokage.

Hinata knowing about Hanako? Well _of course_ she does. Her giving the slightest hint of this to anybody? Well _of course_ she doesn't. That, and her fainting spell was due to perverted thoughts…as well as some shyness, because she didn't try not to be a Naruto-fangirl back before the training trip. You can assume that Naruto figured out pretty quickly who was molesting him, and just didn't say anything to her because she'd faint whenever he approached. Same with the stuttering, Hinata not doing at all well when she's not the one working in complete control and anonymity.

Jiraiya being alive? Yeah, so? Meh.

And 'Hanako' spilling the beans like that? Like I've said on multiple occasions now: this is _crack_. What were you expecting?

* * *

**Omakelogue: Aw C.R.A.p…**

**Summary:** Epilogue time rolls round once more – when it rains, it pours.

—**ox-oxo-xo—**

"…and so it is my duty to inform you that with your majority you have been qualified for multiple spouses under the Rokudaime's Clan Restoration Act." Ex-Godaime Hokage, and now adviser to Kakashi's successor, Tsunade Senju utilised every iota of decorum garnered over decades of experience as an iryou-nin to keep the evil grin off her face. "Congratulations, Lord Uchiha."

Recently promoted jounin Sasuke Uchiha, last living member of the Uchiha Clan, blanched. "…Are you _trying_ to get me to defect again?"

That was far as he got before being swamped with ninja wire, ropes, chains, chakra-suppressing shackles and several dozen fangirls.

"Thus far, in anticipation of this event, the Konoha office has registered…" she consulted the relevant paperwork. An eyebrow quirked. "…Thirty-seven individual petitions for marriage. Under the auspices of the C.R.A., I can inform you that each of these marriages are viable." Now, with the Uchiha out of view under a mountain of flesh, Tsunade indulged herself in that evil grin she was holding back earlier. "Of course, as the Lord Uchiha it is entirely within your rights to judge and deny each request on its merits—"

"He won't, Lady Tsunade!" chorused thirty-seven female voices. Somewhere under the pile, one male voice whimpered.

Tsunade nodded regally. "Very well. Best of wishes for the regenesis of the Uchiha Clan, Lord Uchiha. …Now everyone get the hell out of my office."

—ox-oxo-xo—

Nanadaime Hokage Namikaze Naruto looked up from the crystal ball, regarding the scrupulously neutral visages of his own three wives, trying not to wince. He'd been so enraptured by the final conclusion of his Biggest Ever Prank that their sudden presence had gone unnoticed.

_This_, Naruto conceded, _could be painful._ They had been most insistent about him not using the crystal ball for nefarious purposes…

But then, he was pretty damn sure by this point that this wasn't the kind of 'nefarious purpose' they were worrying about.

He shrugged, with not the least bit of guilt. "Worth it."

Sakura, Ino and Hinata stared at him, for a moment.

A great deal of violence followed. Sure it was funny, but that wasn't the point dammit!

* * *

**Ending A/N:** Aaaaaaaand _done_. Anything further I post under this story title is probably going to be unrelated, story seeds or whatever.  
Meanwhile, I hope you enjoyed this. Comment would be greatly appreciated; I'll close by thanking all those who have reviewed, messaged, faved, followed or just plain liked reading this.


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